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| For the Love of Bart; PG-13, Complete | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: Tuesday Feb 14 2006, 12:44 AM (907 Views) | |
| Fanfics Admin 01 | Tuesday Feb 14 2006, 12:44 AM Post #1 |
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Part 1 As I stared up at the blazing red neon sign bearing old Mrs. Horton's name, I couldn't help but wonder what exactly had led me here, other than the obvious opportunities to spy, of course. As I shoved through the door, uncomfortable cowboy hat making me feel like a loon and digging into my skull something awful (seriously, folks, how do people wear them?), I thought about the way my life had been going since I landed back in Salem, U.S.A. Ever since I laid a wingtip back on the Dimera rug, the joint seemed too damn big . Going underground was no longer my idea of fun, and, what with the stinging losses of both the Rolfmeister and, more recently, Mr. D. himself, I found myself in sore need for laughs. As twangy guitars assaulted the ol' eardrums, I wondered if I'd picked the wrong spot for a fella like me to find a good chuckle. Country and Western aren't generally my forte, you see. I lean much more towards the cool, smooth sounds of Ol' Blue Eyes and Dean.Oh, well, I thought with a shrug. Beats another round of poker with the maids. (Seriously, folks, my pockets can't stand to lose much more, and not a one of them dames give me the time of day once the game 's over.) Hmm....speaking of ol' Dino, I need a drink. Wonder if they've got martinis? Ambling up to the bar, eyes darting this way and that from under the brim of the hat, I noted several familiar faces. There was Jennifer Devereaux, cute and round as a melon. Geez. I really miss "In the House". The young guy with her was familiar as well, though I couldn't quite place him. There was Lexie, dancing with the young copper. I shook my head. Some things never changed. And there was Lucas, the Boss man's former right hand, dancing with some stick of a brunette. Hmm..had things gone south with that hot blonde named Sami that he and Mr. D. were both sniffing around all last summer? Just then , I noticed the poor gal. She sat at the bar looking ready to bawl. I gave Blondie a sympathetic smile, which she returned with a stare made out of stone. Ouch. Ain't lost her bite, I see. Looking back at Mr. Wine 'Em and Dine 'Em, I noticed him heading for the exit, the brunette all over him. Blondie meanwhile stood up, looking ready to run off after the cozy twosome, but, instead ran like hell for the ladies' room. "What a pair of dopes," I commented under my breath as I watched blond hair disappear behind the closing powder room door. "Tell me about it," came the surprise response from somewhere behind me. Turning, I saw the most mouthwatering vision I'd ever laid eyes on. Everything about her seemed bigger than life, from the big, open grin to the big, open....well, let's just say she had ample enough curves to share with the the skinny broad Lucas was going home with and still she'd give Dolly Parton a run for her money. (hey, I'm not completely out of the Country loop) ."What can I get you?" Her voice was warm, sunny, not like those colder than ice maids who think just because a fella's a henchman, he ain't worth a second look. Then , she leaned over the counter, and my thoughts got lost in the..errr..well, in the amazing cleavage. "Uh..uh..."What had I been thinking about having? "Well, uh..." Oh yeah, Dino's usual poison. "Mar-martini?" "Shaken, not stirred?" she shot back with a bit of phony Brit in her voice, those big peepers twinkling, those big...well, you know, not to keep returning to them, but, they're a little hard for a guy not to zero in on, so gimme a break here. "Shake it or stir it-whatever floats your boat," I replied nervously, adjusting myself in several places from my hat on down. She threw back her head and laughed. " Well, I like a man who's easy to please." She eyed the big gray cowboy hat I couldn't help tugging at. "Nice hat . Like the star. Still breaking it in, huh?" I began to nod a response when the next thing I knew, she was leaning over the bar, tilting my hat back a bit and her chest forward A LOT. I inhaled the scent of her perfume, spied a wad of cash, a pack of gum, and a pack of cigarettes all in one moment. Talk about your hidden treasures. What I wouldn't have given to be one of those Jacksons nestled right up in there. Just as suddenly as she was in my face, she moved back. If she saw how rosy my cheeks had become, she never said anything. "There. That's better. I much prefer seeing a man's eyes when I talk to him. I'll get after your drink." She winked, turning to get a glass and the bottles of gin and Vermouth. Every movement she made was a wonderland of enticing wiggles. I couldn't hold back my appreciative grin as she opted to shake instead of stir. As she turned back and placed a couple of olives in my glass, she said, "So, what's your name, stranger?" I touched the brim of my hat again, fiddled with the little napkin she'd laid out for my drink, sweating like a madman. "Bart," I croaked out. "The-the name's Bart." Geez. Real smooth sounding, Bart. I went through puberty ages ago, but you wouldn't have known for how big a frog was caught in my throat. Normally, people can't shut me up, but, now, I could barely flap my gums. She cocked her head. " Bonnie Lockhart. My daughter Meems talked about a Bart once. You wouldn't happen to work for the Dimeras, would you?" I nearly choked on my olive. Meems? Mimi? With two "mi's"? Her daughter? Thank God I didn't get the girl whacked. She leaned forward again, leaning her elbows on the bar. "Hey, it's okay, Bart. I won't give ya up." I took a long swallow of my drink, nearly coming up sputtering as her hand touched my arm. "Well, it ain't exactly a secret anymore, anyway, not after the way I got hauled into the hospital by that uptight copper Bo Brady." "He is a live one," Bonnie replied with a chuckle. Then, her baby blues wandered over to the ladies' room door. With disappointment, I realized her hand had strayed away. She banged a fist on the bar."Kind of like his niece Sami. I swear, I 've been trying to get it into her head all night to fight for her man, but she just won't listen. You know a little something about everyone in town, right?" There. I could feel it. My ears were turning pink. "Well, not everyone-" Or else, I'd have known about such a gorgeous hunk of lady such as yourself, I thought. Go on, Barster, say it out loud. Lay on the charm. Before I could try the line out on her, she spoke again. "Come on. Don't be modest," she broke in. Oh, there was the hand again, right on top of mine. Long, shiny red nails resting on my skin. I shakily brought my glass to my lips as she went on. "You obviously are an observant kind of guy. You pegged Sami and Lucas in two seconds flat." "Well, I worked with Lucas last summer, and Sam-Miss Brady, that is-she was around a lot back then, too." Her eyes lit up, her pretty red mouth turning into an "o". "OOh, that was after all that big hulabaloo when she fell through the doors at the mansion, right?" At my surprised look, she winked. "Hey, I've been a maid for a long time. I hear lots of juicy things." "You sure ain't like the maids I know," I blurted out before I could stop myself. She laughed again. "Honey, I ain't like nobody you know." Suddenly, her eyes drifted above my head and she nodded to someone. Turning, I saw some oldster in full Hopalong Cassidy gear signaling her. She laid her hand on my arm. "I'll be right back, okay?" I watched as she swayed delightfully over to the other man, my smile becoming a frown on the turn of a dime, or rather, the turn of a pair of ruby-red lips -right into the aging cowboy's eager smackers! Well, Barto, so much for that one, I thought sadly, nursing my drink as the two of them chatted it up. "Love stinks," a voice muttered behind me. One glance told me Sami Brady had come out of hiding. Her big blue eyes were all puffy from crying, but,Golly, what a looker. Lucas Roberts had always seemed to notice, too. So why in the Sam hill hadn't he done anything about it? "Rex, bring me another drink." Tony's almost -son frowned. It was still weird to see a kid with brains like his serving drinks. "Uh...what do you want, Sami?" "Doesn't matter," she replied bitterly. " Just something strong. And double it." "Sami-" he began, but backed off at her go-to-hell look. "All right...something strong." Then, his eyes turned to me. "Bart." His voice had that what-are-you-doing-here sound. "I ain't here to cause trouble, Rex. The mansion is a tomb is all." Rex nodded, but I could still see suspicion in his eyes the whole time he got her drink. Never trust a henchman. Trust the adopted son of a crime lord once he announces he ain't his son anymore. But, never trust the low guy on the Totem pole. Story of my life. "That place always was a tomb," Miss Brady remarked. She noticed my eyes straying back to Bonnie. "Looks like I'm not the only one getting their heart broken tonight." I tried to keep my face from getting pink. "I -I just met the dame." "Sometimes that's all it takes, if you're not too blind to see it." She sighed heavily. Poor kid. If I was the type to bust open the heads of guys who are stronger than me, I'd be busting open Lucas Roberts' head in no time flat. Once she had her drinks, Miss Brady raised her first glass. "Well, here's to love and all the ways it can get truly fucked up before it even gets started." She clinked her glass with mine, guzzled her drink in one shot, then leaned in close to my ear, jerking her head in the direction where Bonnie was still hanging on the arm of the oldster, making me both blush and seriously begin to wonder if the bathrooms had a fully stocked bar she'd gotten a little extra hootch from since just a few minutes ago, she could've killed me with one look when all did was try to smile at her. "Bonnie's pretty nice actually, even if she gives out advice without asking. If you like them bossy, she's your one." With a jerk of her wrist, she took her second shot in one gulp. Her words began to blur as she gabbed on." Now, Lucas, and, oh, what's her name-Manduh-they.... are not so nice. Lucas is bossy, too, but, he's also a mama's boy and a male slu-" "Name-calling ain't gonna help you any, honey." Bonnie stepped around to the bar, fixing her lipstick. The old man must've smeared it pretty good, I thought with a kick of jealousy hitting my gut. "Why don't you stay out of it?"Miss Brady was saying." I think I know a lot more about Lucas Roberts-" "Yea, but I know a lot more about life, sweetie." She reached over and patted the girl's arm."Now, my advice is-" "I know your advice already, Bonnie. 'Fight for him, Sami.' " She suddenly stood, wobbling around on her little cowgirl boots. "Easy there, toots." I reached out to steady her, only to have my hand slapped away. Again, story of my life. " He's gone. Lucas is gone. I can't fight for a guy who won't even stick around, can I?" She backed up a few steps. "So-So take your advice, Bonnie, dear, and shove it!" She suddenly made another dash for the bathroom. Geez. Dames and their bathrooms. "Well, there goes the single most stubborn girl I've ever tried to give advice to." Bonnie sighed, her chest heaving in a very pleasant way that was out of place with the rest of my thoughts. Rex shook his head and walked off to take more orders. The bountifully bosomed goddess slid a glance my way and winked to me. "Still here, I see. Thanks for trying to help.Get anything good out of her while I was gone?" Thinking back to the whole convo, I was sure my ears were turning bright red. "Ummm....no. She mostly went on about her love woes." "Yea, well, she's got a mountain of 'em." She nodded to my empty glass. "Another martini, shaken, not stirred?" As she took the glass away, she suddenly stopped short, that twinkle popping back up in her eyes as she grabbed my arm again. The sight of her lip-locking with the geezer kind of faded out like a scene from an old movie as her whole body seemed to come to life. Watching her various parts bounce, I vaguely heard her asking, "OOh, Bart. You worked with Lucas, right?" "Uh, huh," I answered through the glaze coming over me. "Well, got any favors you need called in?" "Favors?" I repeated stupidly. Way to go, Barto. You sound so slick, I'm sure. She reached behind her and, grabbing the phone, set it down on the bar in front of me. Lifting the reciever, she raised her brow. "Emergency type favors?" Okay. She got me. Her look turned me to a big ol' puddle. Matchmaking wasn't really my forte any more than country music, but, for a pretty lady, I could give it a whirl. Part Two "Bart! I didn't even know you still had my number!" Lucas's irate voice practically yelled in my ear. "This better be life or death. I was in the middle of something....important." I heard "something important" saying something indistinct but definitely whiny in the background. Geez, even the Club Echelon ladies had a better bedside manner. Something important, huh? Well, zip up your fly and get your ass over here. There's something a lot more important probably flooding the ladies' room with her bawling over you, Mr. Love 'em and Leave 'em. ..... That's what I wished I'd said, anyway. But, I went for a safer route,seeing as I'd rather not get a punch in the kisser before I was able to see if I had a snowball's chance in hell of using it with the luscious Bonnie tonight ( Hopalong was happily riding off into the sunset. Turns out he's a lawyer when he's not playing cowboy. Busy man. Luck's being a lady tonight, let me tell ya.) . "I'm calling in a favor, okay?" "Favor?" came his incredulous voice, still just a pitch below a yell. "What kind of favor could I possibly owe you?" "Well, uh...." Quick, think of something stupid he did-well, other than tonight. I fiddled with the cowboy hat I'd finally chucked on the counter after realizing the Barto's coconut just ain't made for a Stetson. Come on. Think of his best screw-up. Damn. There was only one I could think of. Well, it was a big one." Remember the goop incident?" "What about it?" Brr. I think I could hear ice crystals forming over the phone. " Well, Mr. D. was pretty unhappy with you about that." Yeah, yeah..that's good. Go with it. " Truth be told, it was all I could do to keep him from roughing you up himself. I mean, he'd been studying all that Kung Fu mumbo jumbo and some of those swords, man, they could cut through you like butter. Just one little slice and-" I made cutting motion across my neck. "Uh huh," came Lucas's dry reply. "So, what's your point? Tony's dead. He isn't exactly going to pop up out of his grave and start swinging his swords at me." "Yeah..." He had me there. Passing a hand over my face, I reminded him, "But, Tony never acted alone. There are still some fellas who ain't too hep on some of the decisions you made. Any one of them, at any time...all-all I have to do is say the word-" "Are you threatening me, Bart?" He was almost laughing. Not a good sign. "Look," I finally caved in to begging mode. So sue me-I failed menacing gangster 101. " I just have some very loose ends I could use your help with right away. I promise it'll be worth your while." A sigh was heaved, then silence. Finally, he said, " All right. Where should I meet you?" And, we have a bite on the line, folks! " I'm at Alice 's." " Alice 's? I just came from there." Uh, oh. Irritable. More background whining. Ugh. Even I won't go out with a whiny dame-well, I wouldn't if a whiny dame ever asked me. Never saw Jimmy Cagney with one, after all. "Well, the crowds are starting to go home," I offered, looking around at the emptied bar, thanks to Bonnie's clever timing on last call. I think I could really enjoy a woman who goes all out like this for a couple of crazy kids, even though, like I said, matchmaking ain't really my forte. " It'll be quiet." "Fine. I'll be right there. But, if you don't have a hell of a lot of incentive-" Just then, Bonnie came out of the bathroom where she'd been working on sobering up the other broken-hearted lovebird. I gave her a thumbs up, not wanting to look like I was quaking in my boots at the possibility of being pummeled if this whole gig didn't wash. Her grin lit up her whole face. "Okey-dokey," I grinned and nodded a lot." See you soon. You won't regret it. Bye." I hung up the phone, hardly believing, me, the Bartster, had really done it. I reeled him in. Hook, line, and sinker. Now, hopefully, he and Blondie could drop the whole "hate" part of the love/hate routine and I could preserve my face for better things. "He's on his way?" I nodded. "Well, well, well." She stepped around the bar to put the phone away, placing a hand on her curvy hip." See? I was right about you. You've got a way about you, baby." There were those ears of mine, burning like crazy again. "Aww, well, gee, I don't know -" Next thing I knew, she leaned over and planted a big wet one on me! Wowee. Now, my ears were literally smoking. Okay, so it was on the cheek, but still... Oh, you wanna know if the Bartser maintained his cool, right? You wanna know if I did the ol' Rat Pack proud? Well, I could lie to you folks, but, what's the point? You already know me too well. Ever seen the Bugs Bunny cartoon with the stupid vulture? That was me right then. Duuuuhhhh. Duhhhh. I probably looked like the first bright red codfish anybody ever laid eyes on. She just laughed, those pretty peepers of hers dancing, her body shaking in that delightful way I could go on and on about. She pulled out a tissue from some part of her chest I must not've gotten a look-see at yet, reached over and dabbed at my face, coming up with a stain as bright as my cheeks probably were all on their own. "That 's for being such a sweetheart. I don't tell most folks this, but I'm a real softie at heart." Yeah, I just bet you're soft. I thought. In all the right places, too. Man, oh, man was I a goner. Fiddling with the star on my hat, I managed to remember my wits enough to ask about Miss Brady. In answer to my question, Bonnie lifted her head proudly. " Well, I got some coffee in her. She's just touching up her face. I told her to lay down on one of the sofas in there and rest up till I'm done closing, and I'd give her a ride home." I scratched my head. "That's good, but, you really think they'll spill their guts with us hanging around? Shouldn't we make ourselves scarce?" She waved a long red fingernail in my face. "That is exactly what I planned on." She suddenly snatched up my hand. "Come on." Well, naturally, I followed her. Man, she had a great can. It had just the right kind of wiggle to keep a guy interested...Oh, Geez. She stopped short, turning just in time to see just what I 'd been taking a gander at. "Like what you see?" Her tone was light and teasing. Oh, boy. "Umm...uhhh...uh.." Well, another intelligent answer, Bart. You're just smooth as silk. A real ladies' man. She reached out and pinched my cheek. "It's okay. I like what I see, too." Her eyes flicked up and down. If only you could've seen my face then. Codfish city. (I don't like to spread it around, but, well, I don't get a lot of attention from the ladies. Well, you know-I told ya all about those frigid maids. I'd like to say its because most gals don't want to get tangled up in a life of danger, but, aww, heck, let's face it. I'm also a bit of a goon) "Well, it oughta be interesting hiding out here with you." With that, she opened a door beside her. I took a peep inside the tiny, dark space. There was room for a mop, a broom, and, at best, her left knocker, unless we both squashed up pretty tight... Not so shabby an idea, but I couldn't keep from sweating about it just the same. "The-the broom closet?" My voice took on that pipsqueak sound that just about made me wanna hide under my big ol' cowboy hat, even if it did make me itch. "Well, sure. It's the best place to spy from! You didn't think I'd just lock them in here and run? No." Bonnie swayed those magnificent hips towards the front door. "I'll lock us all in and we'll eavesdrop.Gotta make sure our handiwork doesn't fail us." Fiddling with the door, she went on, "There. As soon as Lucas steps through and that door closes, Whamo!" She turned with a giggle, slapping her hands together. Ah, more jiggles. More wiggles. Swell view. "They'll be locked in. Rigged the back door, too, in case they get set on leaving." She produced a group of shiny objects from that neverending supply of goodies under her shirt. I seriously began to wonder if a man could get lost in there. Wouldn't mind trying. "And we'll have the keys!" She jingled them triumphantly, making her way back to me."And don't you worry," she added in this great little Mae West voice that would've curled my hair if it wasn't already curly. "If your parts happen to meet up with any of my parts while we're in there. I ain't the shy type, and you shouldn't be, either." She took one of those long shiny nails and dragged it up my shirt. Real slow.Oh, Lord, what would Dean Martin do? Probably balance a martini in one hand while taking the girl down with the other. If Dino could do it, why not the Bartster? But, before I could go all suave on her, in fact, before I could do much more than take a couple of gulps of much-needed air and decide whether that was somebody banging around on the drums in the stage area or just my heart a-knockin', we heard the sounds of a car engine coming closer. Bonnie dropped her hand (aww, shucks. It was just getting to the good part of the movie), peeking out the door. "Shoot, Bart. It's Lucas already! He sure did hightail it over here. Either that little bimbo wasn't what she was cracked up to be, or you really lit a fire under that boy's ass." She scurried over to the ladies' room door, waving me on towards the broom closet. From the darkness of the little hole-in-the-wall we'd soon be sharing, I heard her call out, "Sami, honey! I'm going out to my car for something. I'll be back in a few minutes, okay? Why don't you come on out and get ready to leave?" Then, I heard her hurried little footsteps come closer until she flung herself inside with me. My first impression was of pillowy warmth. It took me only moments to realize I'd caught hold of her breasts just as she threw herself in.(okay, folks, so I really never intended to tell you the story of the Great Big Beautiful Chest. It's just coming out that way) Ah, what a situation for a low guy on the Totem pole. What to do, Barto? I couldn't very well pull the Dino move now.So, I basically froze. As if sensing my dilemna, she chuckled softly. "Like I said. I'm not shy, Bart. I-" She was cut off by Miss Brady's voice. "Bonnie? Did you say something? Bonnie?" Bonnie opened the door a crack, pulling me with her. A small blond head shone in the dim lights. Just then , Casanova chose to swagger in, still all duded up in his red shirt and black hat that he seemed unfairly comfortable in. "You!" That was Miss Brady. Ouch. Not exactly an oh- my -handsome-hunk-of-man-come-here-I've-missed -you kind of tone. And Lucas's killer response? "You!" His was no welcoming response, either. And, then, in one cute little chorus, they both said, "What the hell are you doing here?!" "Bam!" Bonnie whispered. "Let the fireworks begin!" Part Three Holing up in a closet to get the goods on somebody ain't exactly new to me. Believe you me, Barto has had to cram himself in some tight spots back in the glory days of the organization. But holing up in a space the size of a shoebox with a gal like Bonnie? That was something else again.There I was, trying my darndest to keep my cool with that can of hers kinda swishing back and forth against the front of my suit. Not an easy task, let me tell ya. I kinda gritted my teeth and whispered to her, "Umm...Bonnie..." I had no idea what I was going say. Please stop wiggling? Please don't stop?Ah, who knows if I'd have said anything at all? Anyway, never got to the point that I had to find out since she turned as best she could under the circumstances, pitting her chest smack dab against mine, and shushed me right off the bat with a finger to my lips. My stomach started doing this crazy jitterbug. Boy, oh, boy was I not used to a dame so touchy-feely. (well, except for FiFi, and her version of touchy-feely was, well, it was much more slappy -wappy. You'd think a girl might like a guy with class once in a while, but, no, they usually go for musclebound, with chiseled features and wads of dough. Go figure.) "Don't say a word. Be mama's good helper, all right?" Her voice was all low, kinda smoky, like the girls in movies who said things like, "You know how to whistle, don't you, Steve? You just put your lips together and blow." and other things that could bust the buttons on your best dress pants. Needless to say, she shut my mouth in no time flat. Well, actually, my mouth kinda hung open,( at least she couldn't really see the codfish face in the dark) but any words I could've thought of to fill it all dried up. Very, very slowly, she moved her finger, kinda tickling the underside of my chin on the way down. Hooking her finger in my collar, I could feel her breath on my neck as she said, "There. That's a good boy." Okay. How much could a fella sweat before he just needs to be mopped up from the floor? I wondered, almost blurting out something about what rewards she had for good boys. Something from the treasure chest, maybe? Meanwhile, I'm still trying to be the good little helper and listen to what the lovebirds are saying, if you're wondering. Much easier task than it might seem, in a way, since they were both squawking loud enough to wake Salem's dead( and let me tell ya, to be loud enough to heard on that island they're playing Gilligan on...oops. scratch that. For the record, I know nothin'.) " Lovebirds, my Aunt Fanny," I muttered out loud without thinking. " More like a couple of parrots in a cage fighting over the last cracker. Are you sure this will work?" Bonnie clucked her tongue, dropping her hand again so she could turn to peek out the crack in the door again. Big heavy sigh. Me and my stupid mouth. " Shh.. Just pay attention, Bart," she urged. " This is just the scrappin' before the lovin'." Scrappin' before the lovin, huh? While half of me still rolled that statement around in the ol' brain, wondering if that was the big key I'd been missing out on all these years, the other half managed to tune in to the show. "So, Sami,you didn't answer my question," came Lucas's voice in the sort of snobby tone that made me wanna charge out there and pop him right in his arrogant kisser. If I wasn't so cozy in my current position, that is. (okay, so I'm a little on the yellow side, too. But, you've seen the man. Those biceps are huge. I kinda like my snozz right where it is. Where I can breathe through it.)" What the hell are you doing here?" " I asked you first!" "No, I believe I asked you first!" See what I mean? Parrots. Cracker. Geez. It would be a wonder if they didn't leave claw marks. Man, oh, man, if this was the road to lovin', I'd been taking a few wrong turns. Oooh, the lady chose that moment to really sink her beak into him. "What do you care if I'm still here anyway, Lucas? You were too busy feeling up Nurse Bimbo and flaunting her in my face to make sure I even had a way to get home!" Uh, oh. El Skirto Mucho Chaso ain't looking to pleased with that one. He even chucked his hat on the bar, leaning in closer. Getting serious, folks. " Oh, I see now! It wasn't enough that you tried to sabatoge my date the first time, you had to go and take it up a notch and trick me into coming over here, didn't you?! How much did you pay Bart to call me?" Not one thin dime, Buddy. Bartster is giving you a freebie. And a pretty damn nice one, if I do say so myself. " Pay Bart to call you?! I don't know what you're talking about! If you're here, it must be because your date tanked on its own!" She crossed her arms with a triumphant toss of her pretty head. Oh, boy. If that scowl of his gets any deeper, he won't have a face anymore. Just one big scowl sitting on top of those big shoulders. "For your information, my date did NOT tank. I got a call from Bart saying I needed to get down here right away to take care of some business. I plan on having lunch with Manda tomorrow." Bonnie snorted. "Oh, no you won't buster, not if I have to keep you locked in here another night. Of course, that'd be bad for business, but, no way am I letting your stubborn male pride win." Man, she was extra cute riled up. Miss Brady let out a little snort of her own. "Oh, where are you taking her? Better make sure they sanitize the table you'll undoubtably be making out all over. Oh, and be sure to call ahead so the waiters can hand out complimentary barf bags." Ouchies. "Ha ha. Very funny. Just can't stand to see me moving on with another woman." Zing. "More like moving down." Pow. "Oh yeah? Well, in my opinion, there could be no other move but up from you, Sami. Just glad I saw it before you dragged me too far down." Oh, geez. Even from our view it was easy to see she'd taken that one right in the gut. Her little gasp rang out, her cheeks suddenly seeming a little wetter in the dim lights. Oh, you didn't!" Bonnie hissed. " Lucas, I could kick your sorry ass to the floor. You better be doing some grovelling, baby." Gotta say I found it tough to stick up for my fellow man here. Never thought anyone could shove their foot further in their mouth than me. Bonnie was steaming, all quivery in a way that had me drifting into those pleasant out-of-place thoughts again. Not that I was missing out on any more crushing blows or anything. One minute later, and poor Blondie still hadn't said anything and Mr. Sorry Ass was intact. Finally, the poor kid just kinda looked up and said without as much bite as usual, " Well, your opinion sucks. I don't have to stay here and listen to this. If you see Bonnie, tell her I couldn't wait." With that, she stalked to the door, but the snap wasn't in those little cowboy boots anymore. "And this is making up?" Ah, there was that finger to my lips again. Love touchy-feely time. " Just wait." Bonnie jerked her head to where Miss Brady was unsuccessfully tugging at the front door. After a couple of seconds of that, she whipped around. "Damn it! We're locked in!" Lucas's face went all confused. "What do you mean it's locked?" "I mean. It .won't. open." She yanked good and hard on the door. "Oh, here, let me." Lucas stomped over and gave it a yank of his own while Miss Brady stood by rolling her eyes. Bonnie started to giggle. I couldn't help joining in as Miss Brady, shoved Lucas aside and started banging on the glass. "Bonnie! Bonnie! Are you out there? Help! We're locked in!" Bonnie chuckled low and swung the keys around in one hand. "I know." Oh, how I was tempted to scold her for being a naughty, naughty girl, but just as I was drumming up the ol' courage, she shushed me yet again. "Shhh. They're headed this way!" Bonnie shimmied up even closer, quickly shutting the door as we heard two sets of angry footsteps pass, the birds pecking away at each other yet again. I hadn't heard so many "Yes, you dids" and "No, I didn't's" since I was a kid out on the vacant lot playing Cops and Robbers with my buddy One-Lip McGarty (don't ask. the man still has problems smiling.) Aw, but you don't want to hear about my start in crime. You want to know the good stuff, the juicy you're-all-alone-with-one-helluva-curvy-lady stuff. Well, naturally, our little hole-in-the-wall was now pitch-black. I couldn't see a thing. But, boy, oh, boy could I feel. Talk about parts meeting up with parts. I heard and felt her low, throaty laugh come bubbling up, her hands climbing my chest at the same time. Oh, boy...I felt like I had a cartoon heart thumping right outta my chest, like when some poor sap is being duped into thinking Bugs Bunny's a woman.( Okay, so I watch a lot of 'toons. They still go great with a bowl of Frosted Flakes on Saturday morning, I always say.) Thank God, there was no way of mistaking Bonnie. She was stacked much too well to be anything but all woman. "This is fun," she murmured into the dark. "I like you, Bart." "R-really?" She likes me! She really likes me! "Well, uhh, gee, uhh..." Ol' Smoothie returns, folks. "I..uhh...I... " Aww, heck, whatta dope! A pretty gal says she likes you and your tongue turns into a thousand knots. While I blushed and stammered, I felt her hands, warm and soft creep up on my face. "It's okay, Bart. I get it. You're a bashful type of guy. I don't mind." Somehow, this just made my face burn that much more. Thank God there weren't any lights to show up another version of the red codfish look. Man, Bart, my boy, say something. Anything. Flap those gums. "Gee, Bonnie, I-" But, my loosening tongue got no further. "Shhhhh!" "Wha?" "Bart , I said shhhhhh!" "But, Bonnie-" "Bart! Shut up!" And, then, it happened, folks. Before I could get another word in, there were her lips, those luscious lips, smack dab on mine! Holy Guacomole.And I thought my ears were smoking before. Now, I was sure there were actual black puffs of it coming out. When she finally pulled away, she whispered, " You wouldn't shut up and they were coming back this way from the kitchen." She dabbed at my face again as my chest deflated with a big, wheezy breath ." But, I would've done it, anyway." Well, how's about that? I thought as I re-inflated. She would've done it, anyway, folks. There was no room to do a happy dance, so I just stood there with probably the silliest grin you've ever laid eyes on. "Bonnie, " I finally managed, sounding like a drunk man. "That was..that was....wow....gee...." " Thanks," she chuckled. "You're not half-bad in the lip-smacking department yourself." Speaking of which...." She peeped out the door. " There. You see. I knew it was too quiet." She jerked her head for me to join her. Well, well. Looks like the lovebirds were cooing once more. Well, more than cooing. "That's..uh..quite a clinch they're in," I commented for lack of anything better, feeling like a teen-ager at a romantic movie. I had this sneaking urge to throw an arm around Bonnie, but seeing as we were already like a couple of peas nestled up in the pod, it was kind of a moot point. "What did I tell ya. Nothing but foreplay, baby." My Adam's apple wobbled around at that one. Before I could even pretend I was going to say something, one of them finally had to come up for air. Lucas pressed his forehead against Sami's, whispering something that sounded like "I'm sorry, I love you.", followed by some Bart-style babbling that his ladylove seemed to know just what to do about, cutting him off with another kiss. Breaking off, she whispered something about wondering where Bonnie and me were, to which Lucas replied in smooth style something like, "Who cares?" before backing her up against the bar. Well, I think I could get to like him now. There's a bit of the ol' Dino in him. That being said, I was feeling a little less like a kid at the movies and more like a kid at the movies Ma would tan your hide for watching. Ears DEFINITELY venturing towards the lobster stage, I asked, "Well, umm...don't you think..uh..think we..should uh...vamoose?" Bonnie seemed to think for a moment, then nodded, taking one of the keys off the ring. " Yeah. Our job is done here." Cautiously sneaking out the closet towards the kitchen, I watched as she dove back into her ever amazing cleavage, coming up with a folded note. "Wrote this earlier," she explained with a shrug. "When they get hungry-and they WILL- they'll find it." With that a laugh and a wink, she left the note and the key on a nearby cart, Then, she grabbed my hand with a grin. "Come on." Naturally, I followed, admiring the view all the way. Out in the warm summer air outside her house,having seen her to her home like the gentlman Ma tried to raise, I began to hem and haw, already missing being jammed up in our fun little closet, not ready for this crazy night to be over. As if sensing my dilemna-whatta dame-always sensing my dilemna-, she kinda cocked her head and said, "Wanna come in? I owe you a second martini. Shaken, not stirred." Gosh, that sounded swell. More than swell. But, ol' bashful reared his head. Shuffling my wingtips, wondering vaguely why I'd bothered with the cowboy hat with my everyday clothes, I asked, "What-what about the fella you were with earlier tonight?" "Who? Mickey?" She smiled in a soft way that just made me turn into a puddle all over again. " Well, he's had a rough time of it losing his wife. He's a nice man. Makes me want to be nice, too." Her hands traveled up to my face. "But you? You make me want to be me. And, let me tell you, that's a damn nice feeling." Wowee. Never heard anything like that before. Suddenly, a big ol' shot of courage must've gotten channeled from Dean Martin himself. That's the only way I can explain how I could actually sweep a pretty gal into my arms and kiss the daylights outta her. Well, at least, I think did. Kiss the daylights outta her, that is. Because, when I pulled back, she was looking kinda dizzy and any trace of lipstick had said Sayonara. Chalk one up for the Bartster. There was an extra spring my step, I could feel it as I followed her inside. And, by the time the night was over..well, all I can say is, Holy Guacamole! I got the same view as those Jacksons tucked in her shirt, and it was everything a fella could dream. Oh, there go those burning ears again..... Part Four-epilogue Well, folks, eight months later and the Bartster found himself standing outside a church. Yes, that's right, folks. I said church, as in House of God, Home of the Big Guy, the Head Boss's Digs. I wasn't even getting struck by lightning. It was one of those chirpy birds, smell the roses kind of days you sometimes get lucky to get in early spring, but I was still sweatin' bullets in my best blue pinstripe. The stomach was jitterbugging, the cartoon heart thumpin' away. What a sight I must've made, goin' all to pieces over a small wedding among pals. A big damn cowboy hat stuck on the ol' noggin, no less, but, hey, anything for my Bon-Bons. Yessir, my Bon-Bons. It's gotta ring to it, don't you think? Speaking of rings.... had to catch the ring bearer before he, well, disgraced God's front yard, so to speak, or tried to chew off his little bow-tie. I promised Bonnie I'd keep an eye on him until the ceremony. The list of things a fella will do for a pretty lady just keep on growing with age. But, seriously, folks, I don't mind the ball and chain when I've got a looker of a warden. And can't beat all those special privileges. ( daily dives into the treasure chest grow on a man real quick, let me tell ya.) "Max!" I whistled to the wayward little mutt, but he just kinda gave me this loopy stare, his tongue hanging out the side of his mouth, and started to do his thing anyways. I summoned every bit of menacing gangster 101 (Bons and I had been staying up watching a lot of Jimmy Cagney on the tube, so I'd been brushing up) and tried again. "Max! Stop!" Almost added, "you dirty rat". Guess I'd been boning up on Cagney a little too much. This time he kinda perked up his little ears, but his look stated the obvious. There ain't no stopping him once he starts. Behind me was a familiar voice, still sweet to me even when she's angry. "Max, you mangy mutt! Didn't Mama tell you that was a BIG no-no?" I turned to look. Ah, there she was. My Bon-Bons, hands on her curvy hips, looking cute as all get out in her sparkly red dress, two of my favorite things threatening to spill out the top, a fire in her eyes as she made her way over to Max to give him what-for. Ah, wiggles and jiggles galore. Gotta appreciate the view. But, gotta say I'm glad she was spittin' nails over the dog, and not the ol' Bartster, because, oooh, you don't wanna cross this dame. We sure coulda used her back in the good ol' days of the organization, that's for sure. Nobody coulda touched us. Not to mention how terrific she'd look dressed as a gun moll. ( hmmm....might be time to call in a favor, don' t you folks think so? After all, I wore the cowboy hat from hell. Ah, the possibilities.....) Meanwhile, Bonnie was stomping her little red cowgirl boots up the church steps, flinging open the door. "Go on inside and get your pillow!" She pointed to the inside of the church where some of the guests were wandering around, shooting the breeze, some my fellas tugging at their hats, same as me. Well, you gotta forgive us gangster types if we're more comfortable with heaters and derbys than church weddings and cowboy hats. (Okay. You got me. Truth be told, you almost never see a fella in a derby no more, and you hardly ever see me with a heater at all. Well, Mr. D. had me carry one once, but I only got one bullet, kinda like Barney Fife. Shot a hole through the ceiling. Kinda like Barney Fife.) " Go on!" Bonnie continued, even in the face of the little bugger's blank stare. " The ceremony's starting soon!" Surprisingly, the screwy mutt finally made like Lassie and listened, trotting his little legs up the steps and inside with a wag of his tail. Meanwhile, Bonnie came down with this satisfied smile and a wag of her tail. Standing in front of me, she kinda fiddled with my tie, smoothing her hands over it.Oh, boy. Touchy-feely time? "Ready?" I barely heard her through the buzzing in my brain. Really still can hardly believe this was all happening to a low guy on the Totem pole. Finally, I managed to croak out, "Yeah. I-I think so." I kinda tugged on the brim of the cowboy hat. "But, it's just that I ain't never-I ain't-" Aww, heck, folks. I admit it. Barto still gets his tongue all in knots. My ears even still go pink. Bonnie tilted her head and gave me that special, knock-out smile of hers. She patted my cheek. "I know. Me, either." Giving a final, extremely pleasant press to my suit, she added, "I need that brave Bart I know is inside. " She ran her bright red fingernails up my chest, her voice getting all smoky. " You know. The one who let himself be squashed up close and personal with me in the broom closet at Alice's." I turned all red codfish at that one. "Oh, geez. I-I dunno if I'd call that brave so much as-" "Sneaky?" a voice of the female persuasion supplied. Two seconds later, a male voice that once upon a time might've inspired the ol' Bartster here to run for cover piped in, "Yeah. Look what you got us into." I turned with a shy smile. " Lucas.Sam-Miss Brad-ummm..Mrs. Roberts-" She put her hands on her hips, her burgeoning little belly sticking out. "Bart. You got it right the first time. I told you you didn't have to be formal with me. If it wasn't for you-" "We wouldn't be in this fix-" Lucas Roberts smirked under that black cowboy hat of his. I just shook my head. Oh, boy. Here it comes. Parrots and crackers. So much for the honeymoon stage. These two managed to bypass right into the Honeymooners stage. Bang, zoom, to the moon and all that. Sure enough, Mrs. Roberts-uh, Sami, that is- swung herself around, belly and all, and started flapping her wings. "Is that what you consider this? Being "in a fix"? Because, I can gladly fix you if that's what you want!" Oooh, even if he did shove his boot in his mouth, gotta have some sympathies for the man when his wifey's eyeballin'... umm..well, certain parts of the ol' anatomy when she lays a line on him like that. Lucas, for his part, backed up like the true husband he is and flashed a big grin, holding up his hands in surrender. "Sami, honey, you know I didn't mean it. I was just joking. Remember joking? Funny stuff? Ha ha ha?" Sami, for the most part, dropped the evil eye and snorted, folding her arms over her chest, though at this stage of the ol' bambino-making, might be safer to say they actually rested on her belly. (well, scratch the word "safer". Ain't nothin' safe about actually saying it.) "Well, don't try out for "Last Comic Standing" just yet," she quipped. " I'm in no condition to drag you off the stage covered in tomatoes." Lucas made a big show of clapping his hand to his chest. "Ouch. That one hurt." Then, he got a look Bonnie would call "the ol' puppy dog". ( I use to try it out on FiFi, but well, you know. I told ya. Slappy-wappy.) Seemed to work wonders on the female lovebird. She got kinda soft and gushy looking, and, before you had a chance to run for popcorn, the show started getting all romantic again, smooches and cooing and all that good, mushy stuff. Before they could turn it into a Ma-will-tan-your-hide flick, however, Bonnie kinda cleared her throat in a nice way and said, "Well, wedding is about ready to start." She hooked an arm through mine. "I gotta get this one in his position." I let her lead me up the steps, leaving the lovebirds to their, eer, "nesting", so to speak. We got inside just in time to see the bride stick her head out. Wowee. A looker, just like her mother. "Meems." Bonnie glowed with a mama's pride, rushing up to give her daughter a hug. "You look pretty as a picture." "Thanks, Mom." Aww, from my angle, I could see the little tears in Mimi's eyes. I felt nearly like a papa as she pulled away to walk over to me. Looking down at her sweet face, I suddenly had a memory of drinking Frappucino with her. Funny thing about that day. I saved her life, and she never even knew it. I guess it goes to show being somebody's henchman ain't the life it's cracked up to be. Sure, I've got those Jimmy Cagney dreams, but, really, seriously, folks, ain't I doing pretty well for myself? "You-uh-you look too pretty to give away." There went that pipsqueaky tone. I gulped. Ears burning. "I ain't never had no one to give away before.. It's uh...it's a little..." Mimi suddenly cut me off with a big ol' hug. Then, she pulled away with a little laugh, brushing at my suit and her dress. " Sorry. Can't go down the aisle crinkled." Then, she tilted her head-like looking into a mirror sometimes, she was so like her ma- and said "Scared?" I nodded slowly. "I know. I'm scared, too." "Well, I-uh-I always knew we had stuff in common." "Okay, you two-get ready," Bonnie sidled up, fiddled with Mimi's veil. Then, she reached up and gave me a whopper of a kiss. "Oh, shoot!" she exclaimed, producing that ever present wad of tissue from her bountiful cleavage and dabbed at the red marks she'd left behind. "That's a thank you for doing this, Bart." "Aww, shucks, I-uhhh..I-" There was that ol' Bugs Bunny vulture again. Duuuuuh. Duuuuuh. "I love you, you big goof." She loves me! She really loves me! If I could've done cartwheels right then, I would've. Instead, I took a big, wheezy breath and managed to say, "And I love you,Bon-Bons." She smiled, patted my cheek, then, with a sudden look of panic, she scurried off, calling over her shoulder, "I've gotta get Max. " As soon as Bonnie was outta sight, Mimi got a look like she had a kisser full of lemon drops. "Couldn't talk her out of it, huh?" I shrugged, giving her an apologetic look. "Sorry, Meems. You know how she is when she gets the ol' mind set on something. She-" Mimi nodded. "I know. Gets her way. Rex even says that." She sighed. "But, I was kind of hoping, just this once-" Just then, Bonnie came barreling back down the hallway, distracting bounces intact, Max trotting ahead, the pillow holding the rings between his teeth, his little tail wagging like gangbusters. We had to chuckle a bit . "Well, what I can do?" Mimi whispered as we watched through the glass in the door as Bonnie urged the little mutt down the aisle. "She is who she is." "Yep." I agreed. "I wouldn't have her any other way." Mimi nodded, hooking her arm through mine. "Me, either." As the ol' organ began to crank up the Wedding March, I took a big breath, trying to get my stomach to end its jitterbugging session once and for all. One look at the gal beside me told me her tummy was probably cutting a mean rug of its own. "You ready Mimi with two "mi's"?" That got a smile. "Any time you are, Bart, just one Bart." And, so, me, the Bartster, like a stand-up kinda guy, gave away the closest thing I'd ever had to a daughter. Pardon me while I get all misty-eyed. Don't happen often. Mostly when stuff like this happens, or if I think of the Rolfmeister, or for a really sad commercial, or, when Cagney gets gunned down, or, well, you get the picture. Later on, the ol' ears had to put up with twangy guitars as the wedding party all trooped out to Alice's. But, on the upside, I had a martini, a gorgeous dance partner who didn't mind that I still couldn't get the ol' feet to cooperate with the two-step, and a promise of at least one song each from Blue Eyes and Dino. Bonnie Lockhart 's quite a dame, let me tell ya. As my wingtips met with red cowboy boot once more, we heard a giggle beside us. "Still teaching him, Bonnie?" Bonnie grinned good-naturedly at Sami, patting my shoulder. " Lovin' every minute." "Well, maybe you could give this one some pointers." She jerked her head towards Lucas. Uh oh. "Yeah?" he shot back. "I wouldn't exactly call you the picture of grace right now, missy." Pow. Squawking again. "Well, maybe I should just waddle my ungraceful self over to our table and let you dance with someone else." Followed by a sniffle. Oh, geez... Lucas sighed heavily. Backtrack city again. "I'm sorry, Sami. You once said we're not the best dancers, but, together we make a pretty good team, don't we?" Puppy dog eyes. He's going for the puppy dog eyes. And, we have a smile, folks. And a smooch. And another smooch. And another and-well, how about that? Restrained themselves at three. Sami looked over at me and Bonnie with a raised brow. "So, when's your wedding?" "Yeah. You don't want to miss out on all the fun." "Was that sarcasm I heard, Lucas Roberts?" Uh, oh. Uh, oh...well, well. No parrot action. All we have is a couple of knowing smiles. These crazy kids may make it yet. "Anyway, really, when are you two going to take the plunge?"Umm...uhh..." Sweatin' bullets here. Sweatin' bullets. Geez Louise. I wanted to ask my Bon-Bons-been practicing, even have a ring-nice big fat diamond and ruby job I got from Eddie the Shark ( hey, gimme a break. I still got connections; might as well use 'em for the greater good, right?). Before I could loosen the ol' tongue enough to say anything that resembled an actual word, however, Bonnie popped in. "Oh, we'll probably just head out to Vegas one of these days." Gulp. "Uhh..really?" At my undoubtably codfish-like mug, Sami and Lucas kinda coughed politely and made off like they needed a drink. Bon-Bons meanwhile gave me a wide-open grin. "Well, sure, baby, I've got the brochures at home. There's all sorts of great chapels." She slapped a hand to my chest, those peepers of hers a-twinkling. "OOh, we could get married by the King. Always wanted to have an Elvis wedding." Elvis? Well, he's no Dino... Aww, heck, who am I kidding. Of course, I'll do it. The only thing was I felt like a bit of heel, seein' as I didn't pop the question myself. 'Gee, Bonnie. Sounds great. I just-I-I uh-" Of course, she knew just what to say. She always does. "Hey. It's okay. I saw you practicing in front of the mirror. I know how bashful you can be, so, uh-I thought I'd give you a little help." That's my Bonnie. Always lending a helping hand. I felt around in my pocket, pulling out the jeweler's box that'd been burning a great big whole in my pocket for weeks. "Well, then, I guess I'll-uh, just give you this." Oh, if you coulda seen her pretty face light up. "Oh, hot damn, Bart! That's beautiful!" She held the diamond up to the light. "MMM. Look at it shine." Then, she reached up and pinched my cheek. "I was right. You gotta way about you, baby." Aww, shucks. Blush, babbles and stammers, Bart-style. But my gal knew just what to do. She grabbed me by either side of the face and laid a whale of kiss on me.Duuuhhhh. Duuuuhhh. Was that smoke coming out the ears? You bet your buttons. "I love you, you big goof." "I-I love you, Bon-Bons." "Come on." She grabbed my hand eagerly. Naturally, I followed, enjoying the view the whole way. And, so folks, I guess this is Sayonara. It's been quite a kick shootin' the breeze with ya, but I guess you know I've got to pack for Vegas. I'm getting ready to marry my girl. Me. The Bartster. The fella who always used to finish last. Who'd have thunk? Not bad for the low guy on the Totem pole. Not bad at all.The End |
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| Fanfics Admin 01 | Tuesday Feb 14 2006, 12:44 AM Post #2 |
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Part Four-epilogue Well, folks, eight months later and the Bartster found himself standing outside a church. Yes, that's right, folks. I said church, as in House of God, Home of the Big Guy, the Head Boss's Digs. I wasn't even getting struck by lightning. It was one of those chirpy birds, smell the roses kind of days you sometimes get lucky to get in early spring, but I was still sweatin' bullets in my best blue pinstripe. The stomach was jitterbugging, the cartoon heart thumpin' away. What a sight I must've made, goin' all to pieces over a small wedding among pals. A big damn cowboy hat stuck on the ol' noggin, no less, but, hey, anything for my Bon-Bons. Yessir, my Bon-Bons. It's gotta ring to it, don't you think? Speaking of rings.... had to catch the ring bearer before he, well, disgraced God's front yard, so to speak, or tried to chew off his little bow-tie. I promised Bonnie I'd keep an eye on him until the ceremony. The list of things a fella will do for a pretty lady just keep on growing with age. But, seriously, folks, I don't mind the ball and chain when I've got a looker of a warden. And can't beat all those special privileges. ( daily dives into the treasure chest grow on a man real quick, let me tell ya.) "Max!" I whistled to the wayward little mutt, but he just kinda gave me this loopy stare, his tongue hanging out the side of his mouth, and started to do his thing anyways. I summoned every bit of menacing gangster 101 (Bons and I had been staying up watching a lot of Jimmy Cagney on the tube, so I'd been brushing up) and tried again. "Max! Stop!" Almost added, "you dirty rat". Guess I'd been boning up on Cagney a little too much. This time he kinda perked up his little ears, but his look stated the obvious. There ain't no stopping him once he starts. Behind me was a familiar voice, still sweet to me even when she's angry. "Max, you mangy mutt! Didn't Mama tell you that was a BIG no-no?" I turned to look. Ah, there she was. My Bon-Bons, hands on her curvy hips, looking cute as all get out in her sparkly red dress, two of my favorite things threatening to spill out the top, a fire in her eyes as she made her way over to Max to give him what-for. Ah, wiggles and jiggles galore. Gotta appreciate the view. But, gotta say I'm glad she was spittin' nails over the dog, and not the ol' Bartster, because, oooh, you don't wanna cross this dame. We sure coulda used her back in the good ol' days of the organization, that's for sure. Nobody coulda touched us. Not to mention how terrific she'd look dressed as a gun moll. ( hmmm....might be time to call in a favor, don' t you folks think so? After all, I wore the cowboy hat from hell. Ah, the possibilities.....) Meanwhile, Bonnie was stomping her little red cowgirl boots up the church steps, flinging open the door. "Go on inside and get your pillow!" She pointed to the inside of the church where some of the guests were wandering around, shooting the breeze, some my fellas tugging at their hats, same as me. Well, you gotta forgive us gangster types if we're more comfortable with heaters and derbys than church weddings and cowboy hats. (Okay. You got me. Truth be told, you almost never see a fella in a derby no more, and you hardly ever see me with a heater at all. Well, Mr. D. had me carry one once, but I only got one bullet, kinda like Barney Fife. Shot a hole through the ceiling. Kinda like Barney Fife.) " Go on!" Bonnie continued, even in the face of the little bugger's blank stare. " The ceremony's starting soon!" Surprisingly, the screwy mutt finally made like Lassie and listened, trotting his little legs up the steps and inside with a wag of his tail. Meanwhile, Bonnie came down with this satisfied smile and a wag of her tail. Standing in front of me, she kinda fiddled with my tie, smoothing her hands over it.Oh, boy. Touchy-feely time? "Ready?" I barely heard her through the buzzing in my brain. Really still can hardly believe this was all happening to a low guy on the Totem pole. Finally, I managed to croak out, "Yeah. I-I think so." I kinda tugged on the brim of the cowboy hat. "But, it's just that I ain't never-I ain't-" Aww, heck, folks. I admit it. Barto still gets his tongue all in knots. My ears even still go pink. Bonnie tilted her head and gave me that special, knock-out smile of hers. She patted my cheek. "I know. Me, either." Giving a final, extremely pleasant press to my suit, she added, "I need that brave Bart I know is inside. " She ran her bright red fingernails up my chest, her voice getting all smoky. " You know. The one who let himself be squashed up close and personal with me in the broom closet at Alice's." I turned all red codfish at that one. "Oh, geez. I-I dunno if I'd call that brave so much as-" "Sneaky?" a voice of the female persuasion supplied. Two seconds later, a male voice that once upon a time might've inspired the ol' Bartster here to run for cover piped in, "Yeah. Look what you got us into." I turned with a shy smile. " Lucas.Sam-Miss Brad-ummm..Mrs. Roberts-" She put her hands on her hips, her burgeoning little belly sticking out. "Bart. You got it right the first time. I told you you didn't have to be formal with me. If it wasn't for you-" "We wouldn't be in this fix-" Lucas Roberts smirked under that black cowboy hat of his. I just shook my head. Oh, boy. Here it comes. Parrots and crackers. So much for the honeymoon stage. These two managed to bypass right into the Honeymooners stage. Bang, zoom, to the moon and all that. Sure enough, Mrs. Roberts-uh, Sami, that is- swung herself around, belly and all, and started flapping her wings. "Is that what you consider this? Being "in a fix"? Because, I can gladly fix you if that's what you want!" Oooh, even if he did shove his boot in his mouth, gotta have some sympathies for the man when his wifey's eyeballin'... umm..well, certain parts of the ol' anatomy when she lays a line on him like that. Lucas, for his part, backed up like the true husband he is and flashed a big grin, holding up his hands in surrender. "Sami, honey, you know I didn't mean it. I was just joking. Remember joking? Funny stuff? Ha ha ha?" Sami, for the most part, dropped the evil eye and snorted, folding her arms over her chest, though at this stage of the ol' bambino-making, might be safer to say they actually rested on her belly. (well, scratch the word "safer". Ain't nothin' safe about actually saying it.) "Well, don't try out for "Last Comic Standing" just yet," she quipped. " I'm in no condition to drag you off the stage covered in tomatoes." Lucas made a big show of clapping his hand to his chest. "Ouch. That one hurt." Then, he got a look Bonnie would call "the ol' puppy dog". ( I use to try it out on FiFi, but well, you know. I told ya. Slappy-wappy.) Seemed to work wonders on the female lovebird. She got kinda soft and gushy looking, and, before you had a chance to run for popcorn, the show started getting all romantic again, smooches and cooing and all that good, mushy stuff. Before they could turn it into a Ma-will-tan-your-hide flick, however, Bonnie kinda cleared her throat in a nice way and said, "Well, wedding is about ready to start." She hooked an arm through mine. "I gotta get this one in his position." I let her lead me up the steps, leaving the lovebirds to their, eer, "nesting", so to speak. We got inside just in time to see the bride stick her head out. Wowee. A looker, just like her mother. "Meems." Bonnie glowed with a mama's pride, rushing up to give her daughter a hug. "You look pretty as a picture." "Thanks, Mom." Aww, from my angle, I could see the little tears in Mimi's eyes. I felt nearly like a papa as she pulled away to walk over to me. Looking down at her sweet face, I suddenly had a memory of drinking Frappucino with her. Funny thing about that day. I saved her life, and she never even knew it. I guess it goes to show being somebody's henchman ain't the life it's cracked up to be. Sure, I've got those Jimmy Cagney dreams, but, really, seriously, folks, ain't I doing pretty well for myself? "You-uh-you look too pretty to give away." There went that pipsqueaky tone. I gulped. Ears burning. "I ain't never had no one to give away before.. It's uh...it's a little..." Mimi suddenly cut me off with a big ol' hug. Then, she pulled away with a little laugh, brushing at my suit and her dress. " Sorry. Can't go down the aisle crinkled." Then, she tilted her head-like looking into a mirror sometimes, she was so like her ma- and said "Scared?" I nodded slowly. "I know. I'm scared, too." "Well, I-uh-I always knew we had stuff in common." "Okay, you two-get ready," Bonnie sidled up, fiddled with Mimi's veil. Then, she reached up and gave me a whopper of a kiss. "Oh, shoot!" she exclaimed, producing that ever present wad of tissue from her bountiful cleavage and dabbed at the red marks she'd left behind. "That's a thank you for doing this, Bart." "Aww, shucks, I-uhhh..I-" There was that ol' Bugs Bunny vulture again. Duuuuuh. Duuuuuh. "I love you, you big goof." She loves me! She really loves me! If I could've done cartwheels right then, I would've. Instead, I took a big, wheezy breath and managed to say, "And I love you,Bon-Bons." She smiled, patted my cheek, then, with a sudden look of panic, she scurried off, calling over her shoulder, "I've gotta get Max. " As soon as Bonnie was outta sight, Mimi got a look like she had a kisser full of lemon drops. "Couldn't talk her out of it, huh?" I shrugged, giving her an apologetic look. "Sorry, Meems. You know how she is when she gets the ol' mind set on something. She-" Mimi nodded. "I know. Gets her way. Rex even says that." She sighed. "But, I was kind of hoping, just this once-" Just then, Bonnie came barreling back down the hallway, distracting bounces intact, Max trotting ahead, the pillow holding the rings between his teeth, his little tail wagging like gangbusters. We had to chuckle a bit . "Well, what I can do?" Mimi whispered as we watched through the glass in the door as Bonnie urged the little mutt down the aisle. "She is who she is." "Yep." I agreed. "I wouldn't have her any other way." Mimi nodded, hooking her arm through mine. "Me, either." As the ol' organ began to crank up the Wedding March, I took a big breath, trying to get my stomach to end its jitterbugging session once and for all. One look at the gal beside me told me her tummy was probably cutting a mean rug of its own. "You ready Mimi with two "mi's"?" That got a smile. "Any time you are, Bart, just one Bart." And, so, me, the Bartster, like a stand-up kinda guy, gave away the closest thing I'd ever had to a daughter. Pardon me while I get all misty-eyed. Don't happen often. Mostly when stuff like this happens, or if I think of the Rolfmeister, or for a really sad commercial, or, when Cagney gets gunned down, or, well, you get the picture. Later on, the ol' ears had to put up with twangy guitars as the wedding party all trooped out to Alice's. But, on the upside, I had a martini, a gorgeous dance partner who didn't mind that I still couldn't get the ol' feet to cooperate with the two-step, and a promise of at least one song each from Blue Eyes and Dino. Bonnie Lockhart 's quite a dame, let me tell ya. As my wingtips met with red cowboy boot once more, we heard a giggle beside us. "Still teaching him, Bonnie?" Bonnie grinned good-naturedly at Sami, patting my shoulder. " Lovin' every minute." "Well, maybe you could give this one some pointers." She jerked her head towards Lucas. Uh oh. "Yeah?" he shot back. "I wouldn't exactly call you the picture of grace right now, missy." Pow. Squawking again. "Well, maybe I should just waddle my ungraceful self over to our table and let you dance with someone else." Followed by a sniffle. Oh, geez... Lucas sighed heavily. Backtrack city again. "I'm sorry, Sami. You once said we're not the best dancers, but, together we make a pretty good team, don't we?" Puppy dog eyes. He's going for the puppy dog eyes. And, we have a smile, folks. And a smooch. And another smooch. And another and-well, how about that? Restrained themselves at three. Sami looked over at me and Bonnie with a raised brow. "So, when's your wedding?" "Yeah. You don't want to miss out on all the fun." "Was that sarcasm I heard, Lucas Roberts?" Uh, oh. Uh, oh...well, well. No parrot action. All we have is a couple of knowing smiles. These crazy kids may make it yet. "Anyway, really, when are you two going to take the plunge?"Umm...uhh..." Sweatin' bullets here. Sweatin' bullets. Geez Louise. I wanted to ask my Bon-Bons-been practicing, even have a ring-nice big fat diamond and ruby job I got from Eddie the Shark ( hey, gimme a break. I still got connections; might as well use 'em for the greater good, right?). Before I could loosen the ol' tongue enough to say anything that resembled an actual word, however, Bonnie popped in. "Oh, we'll probably just head out to Vegas one of these days." Gulp. "Uhh..really?" At my undoubtably codfish-like mug, Sami and Lucas kinda coughed politely and made off like they needed a drink. Bon-Bons meanwhile gave me a wide-open grin. "Well, sure, baby, I've got the brochures at home. There's all sorts of great chapels." She slapped a hand to my chest, those peepers of hers a-twinkling. "OOh, we could get married by the King. Always wanted to have an Elvis wedding." Elvis? Well, he's no Dino... Aww, heck, who am I kidding. Of course, I'll do it. The only thing was I felt like a bit of heel, seein' as I didn't pop the question myself. 'Gee, Bonnie. Sounds great. I just-I-I uh-" Of course, she knew just what to say. She always does. "Hey. It's okay. I saw you practicing in front of the mirror. I know how bashful you can be, so, uh-I thought I'd give you a little help." That's my Bonnie. Always lending a helping hand. I felt around in my pocket, pulling out the jeweler's box that'd been burning a great big whole in my pocket for weeks. "Well, then, I guess I'll-uh, just give you this." Oh, if you coulda seen her pretty face light up. "Oh, hot damn, Bart! That's beautiful!" She held the diamond up to the light. "MMM. Look at it shine." Then, she reached up and pinched my cheek. "I was right. You gotta way about you, baby." Aww, shucks. Blush, babbles and stammers, Bart-style. But my gal knew just what to do. She grabbed me by either side of the face and laid a whale of kiss on me.Duuuhhhh. Duuuuhhh. Was that smoke coming out the ears? You bet your buttons. "I love you, you big goof." "I-I love you, Bon-Bons." "Come on." She grabbed my hand eagerly. Naturally, I followed, enjoying the view the whole way. And, so folks, I guess this is Sayonara. It's been quite a kick shootin' the breeze with ya, but I guess you know I've got to pack for Vegas. I'm getting ready to marry my girl. Me. The Bartster. The fella who always used to finish last. Who'd have thunk? Not bad for the low guy on the Totem pole. Not bad at all. The End (for real this time) |
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2:53 PM Jul 11