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Mega-Ficlet: Cousin (Complete); Sami and Stephanie, Carrie, Nicole...
Topic Started: Monday Sep 6 2010, 12:13 PM (1,262 Views)
Medea
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Title: Cousin

Thank you: To Kazz, Roselm, and ddmtex for answering my questions about Stephanie's antics.

Disclaimer: All belong to Ken Corday, NBC, and Sony.

Note: Ever feel tempted to write a fic starring characters you can't stand? No? Just me, then?

Rating: PG-13 for discussion of sexual assault which has previously occurred on the show.


***********


"I trusted you! I trusted you, and you never gave him the letter?!"

"You went off your birth control on purpose?"

"You did what to the records in the hospital? That's a complete abuse of your position--"

"An abuse of all of our trust--"

"You let me think that Nathan didn't care--"

"Your parents deserved better than to have a daughter like you."

"You're a disgrace to all women, not just poor Kayla. Trying to get pregnant to trap a man? Really?"

"You will never be welcome in this house again!"

"You'll never be welcome in my life again!"

"I used to feel guilty for breaking the two of you up, but Max is going to thank me when he finds out what I saved him from!"

"You're disgusting."

Stephanie suspected that the shouting could be heard from the street outside Maggie Horton's house.

That wasn't why she didn't shout back.

She didn't shout back because everyone— Philip and Chloe, Nathan and Melanie, Maggie and Carly and Dan— was right.

"I hate you!"

Hot tears promptly fell down Stephanie's cheeks. She hated herself, too.

"Don't you dare cry! If anyone is going to cry, it's going to be me."

Stephanie couldn't stop herself. She was already shaking too hard to stand up and too blinded by tears to see. She didn't want to see; she didn't need to see. She knew who was there.

On the left were Carly and Dan, who had once respected her as a colleague but who were now leading the charge to have her fired.

In front of them, basking in their parental warmth, was Melanie, the avenging angel. Somehow everyone had forgiven her for everything she had done; she was the wounded princess that Stephanie had been, long ago.

On the right was Philip, who had once loved Stephanie more than his own life, but who now wrapped his arms protectively around Chloe as they both glared at Stephanie with unmitigated hatred.

And closest to Stephanie was Nathan, another man who would never love her again— not that he had ever cared for her the way he did Melanie. Maggie hovered over him.

Everyone had a protector but Stephanie.

Then the door banged open.

There must have been some acknowledgment of the new arrival, but Stephanie would never know what it might have been. Inside the cocoon of her own sobs, Stephanie was blind, deaf, and paralyzed until the gentle voice in her ear said "let's go."

She didn't know the voice, and it made no difference to her whether she stayed or went.

It made a difference to Carly. "Oh, no. She is going to stay here until we are ready for her to leave."

"Thank you for your suggestion, Dr. Lied To Her Daughter's Father For Twenty Years And Let a Serial Abuser Raise The Kid, but we'll be going anyway," said Sami. Stephanie recognized her cousin now.

Dan took a step toward Sami, who held up a warning hand. "Don't even say it, Dr. Was Totally Fine With Cheating When Chloe Was Married To Lucas. And Little Miss Drove Nick To Prison, you've said enough, too."

Melanie tossed her red hair in lavish outrage, preening as the others glanced between her and Sami.

Sami looked at Chloe next, but Philip cut her off. "We didn't say anything," he said, tightening his grip on Chloe. "We think you should go."

Even through her fog, Stephanie was aware that Sami seemed disappointed.

Disappointed or not, Sami dragged Stephanie to her feet and guided her out the door into the watery autumn sunlight.

Stephanie stumbled her way into Sami’s car, and she let Sami fasten the seatbelt across her chest. She didn’t bother telling Sami that it would be a blessing to be thrown through the windshield and killed. She didn’t have the energy.

She cried herself to sleep within minutes of arriving at Sami’s townhouse.

***

When she woke up, her mother was sitting beside her.

“Mom?” Stephanie murmured sleepily in the blissful split-second before the events of earlier that day slammed back into her conscious mind.

It only took a quick glance at Kayla through painfully swollen eyelids for Stephanie to be sure that her mother had been told everything.

“Sami,” Stephanie hissed angrily, instinctively.

“She came all the way from Africa and knocked on my door. I couldn’t exactly tell her to go away.” Sami voice floated toward Stephanie from deeper in the room. Sami was sitting in a chair by the window, holding some childish work of art she had been showing Kayla.

“You didn’t have to tell her everything,” Stephanie complained as she tried to pull herself into a sitting position. Her head spun and her stomach lurched.

“As a matter of fact, she didn’t,” Kayla said with what Stephanie recognized as her doctor-voice; warm, but detached. “Your Aunt Adrienne did.”

Stephanie made a face. She hadn’t really expected Adrienne to hold off on telling Kayla what had happened for this long. It was easier not to have to explain it herself, anyway.

“Then why don’t we just get on with the lecture?” Stephanie suggested.

“No lecture,” said Kayla in the same neutral voice. “Just a discussion about when and where you’ll go for counseling.”

Stephanie’s body stiffened with fear. The reach of Salem University Hospital was vast. Anyone remotely related to the medical profession in the greater Salem area would soon know what she had done. Anyone willing to see her would laugh at her. Or tell his colleagues whatever she said, since she had violated confidentiality and turnabout was fair play. Or have her forcibly committed. She wasn’t sure she didn’t deserve it.

“No way,” said Stephanie.

“You need it,” Kayla told her.

Stephanie was frantic and desperate. She saw only one course of escape. And so, even though she was thoroughly grateful to Sami for rescuing her from her unofficial trial, Stephanie threw her cousin under the bus. “Sami never went to therapy, and she did way worse stuff than what I did.”

Sami rolled her eyes, but remained silent.

“I’m not Sami’s mother,” said Kayla.

“Aunt Marlena is a psychiatrist. Don’t you think she would have gotten Sami help if she thought she needed it? And look at Sami now. She has four kids, she’s engaged to be married—”

“You and Rafe are getting married?” Kayla asked, allowing herself to be distracted for a moment.

“Not Rafe,” said Stephanie sweetly. “EJ.”

Kayla’s eyes widened. “EJ?” It was remarkable how much shock and disgust she was able to pack into two letters. “You do know he tried to kill me. And Stephanie. And Max. And John. And Bo. And Shawn-Douglas. And what he did to Steve—”

“He’s changed!” Sami snapped. “He’s the father of two of my children. He loves me and he loves them, and we are going to have some stability in our lives.”

“Marrying a sociopath is not the way to get stability in your life. If I were Lucas, I’d sue for custody before I’d let Allie and Will—”

Kayla broke off abruptly and returned her attention to Stephanie. “Nice try. But this is not about Sami. This is about you.”

Stephanie smirked. “I’ll go to therapy if Sami comes with me. We can have a family session.”

Kayla was about to argue the point but Sami, still fuming, jumped to her feet. “You know what? Fine, Steph. I’ll come. I’ll let a professional explain to you that marrying EJ is the right thing to do, and then you can share that explanation with your mother, and my father, and the rest of our stupid family!”

***

Two days passed.

***

Dr. Cook looked back and forth between Sami and Stephanie, as if she was still not sure whether this joint session was a good idea.

“What brings you here today, Sami?” she said at last.

“Stephanie wouldn’t come unless I came, too,” said Sami, daring Dr. Cook to suggest that she was not the framed picture of mental health.

“And you, Stephanie?”

“I did some bad things,” Stephanie muttered, and then recited her crimes. “Melanie gave me a letter to give to Nathan and I didn’t give it to her because I wanted her to marry Philip so I could have Nathan. Then I went off my birth control and didn’t tell Nathan because I wanted to get pregnant—but I did stop before anything happened. Then, when Philip got Chloe pregnant, I switched the paternity tests so Melanie wouldn’t leave Philip and take Nathan away from me.”

“Have you ever done anything like that, Sami?”

Sami laughed.

“I’ll take that as a yes,” Dr. Cook decided.

“I’m a different person now,” said Sami. “I’ve tried to make up for what I did, and the people I hurt have forgiven me. That’s all in the past.”

“Speaking of the past,” said Dr. Cook, “I’d like to ask you both some questions about your background. Have either of you ever been sexually assaulted?”

Stephanie’s eyes immediately filled with tears. “I was raped a few years ago,” she managed. “Right when I started college.”

“I’m so sorry,” said Dr. Cook. “And Sami?”

Sami nodded. “When I was sixteen.”

“And?” Stephanie prompted through her whimpering. “If I have to be completely honest, so do you.”

Dr. Cook looked at Sami.

“There was another incident,” Sami admitted. “It wasn’t exactly rape. I didn’t—the last thing I wanted to do was have sex with him, but if I didn’t, he was going to let my fiancé die.”

“Did you tell him you didn’t want to have sex with him?”

“Yes. And he said that I could have my virtue or Lucas’ life, or something, but not both.” Sami shuddered, and then felt horribly guilty for betraying EJ. She had forgiven him. She was going to marry him. “He was really sorry afterwards. He’s done everything to make it up to me. And if—if it hadn’t happened, we wouldn’t have our son.” Ten thousand times, she had wished that Lucas had been Johnny’s father, but deep down she knew that Johnny was Johnny because EJ was his father. And she wouldn’t change a hair on Johnny’s head, not for anything in the world.

“Nonetheless,” said Dr. Cook, “you have been raped twice, and I think you know that.”

“No,” said Sami firmly. “I don’t know that. I’ve been raped, and what EJ did to me wasn’t rape. It wasn’t like what Alan did. What Alan did, I didn’t deserve.”

“You think you deserved what EJ did?” broke in Stephanie, appalled. “Thank God I dragged you here, because you need this worse than I do.”

“Not deserved, deserved,” Sami clarified. “But it was… it was almost karmic justice for everything I’d ever done. I hurt so many people, and I could let myself be hurt to protect them.”

“So I need to find someone to rape me so I can make it up to Melanie and Nathan and everyone else I hurt? Or maybe because I did less than you did, I only need to get beat up?” Quicker than quick—she had developed excellent reflexes during her car racing phase—Stephanie grabbed a stapler from Dr. Cook’s desk and hit herself across the face with it.

Sami and Dr. Cook both lunged at Stephanie, who allowed the weapon to be taken away and sat back calmly in her chair.

“I was just making a point,” she said nonchalantly. “I don’t really want to hurt myself.”

Once more, Dr. Cook swung her gaze from Sami to Stephanie and back again. Stephanie, suspecting that she and Sami might have overwhelmed the doctor, stifled a giggle. Sami smiled back slyly. This did not go unnoticed by their counselor.

“Would the two of you like to play a game?” Dr. Cook asked them.

“Sure,” said Sami, as long as she was supposed to be setting a good example for her little cousin anyway.

“Good. You will go first, Sami, since it was your experience that sent us on this detour.”

Dr. Cook pulled a notebook from her desk and wrote a single line on it:

EJ raped Sami.


Sami made a face.

“You have children, don’t you, Sami?”

Sami nodded.

“So you’re very aware that children are born without words. They experience life without being able to put words to those experiences. But once they develop the ability to use and understand language, they begin to perceive words as the experience themselves. They—we—confuse words with memories, emotions, thoughts, physical sensations. And today, you are going to sort them out again.”

“I don’t see why what happened with EJ and me is important today. I think we’re really here for Stephanie.”

Dr. Cook nodded. “Very well.”

Something inside of Sami deflated. She had had no idea that she had wanted Dr. Cook to force the issue until Dr. Cook did not.

Dr. Cook turned over the next page of her notebook.

EJ raped Sami was gone.

As if it had never happened.

Dr. Cook was easily moving on to the next topic—no doubt something to do with Stephanie—and acknowledging that Sami’s turn, in counseling and in life, was over.

Dr. Cook was writing again.

Stephanie lied to keep Nathan.

Stephanie nodded determinedly before Dr. Cook even asked if she was willing to go forward.

“This is a loaded statement, isn’t it?”

Stephanie shook her head. “It’s true.”

“When you look at those words, what do you remember?”

Stephanie sighed. “Having the letter in my hand and not giving it to Melanie. Going off my birth control, then telling Nathan it was an accident when it wasn’t. Getting a friend to hack into the computer so I could change the results.” Her face and voice grew unexpectedly dreamy. “Walking through Paris with Max.”

“What about emotions? Can you separate out the feelings you have?”

“Guilt. Shame. Bitterness. Anger.”

“Anger at yourself?”

“Yes.”

“At anyone else?”

Stephanie sighed. “At Melanie.”

“Why?”

“Because she went out of her way to destroy my relationship with Max, and everyone forgives her, but it’s still not over for me. I don’t have him. He moved on. He moved on with my best friend. But she hasn’t lost anything, not permanently, and no one forgives me.”

“What you did was two days ago,” Sami pointed out.

Stephanie sighed again.

“Why guilt and shame?” asked Dr. Cook.

“Because I know that what I did was wrong, and that I shouldn’t have done it.” She sighed a third time. “And because I had to do it. Love—love is really important in my family.” She gestured vaguely at Sami. “Our family. We’re Bradys. We’re supposed to be passionate, lead with our hearts and our guts, put love first.”

“Yeah, that’s us,” Sami confirmed when Dr. Cook looked at her.

“I remember—Papa had amnesia, didn’t remember Mom at all. Mom was sick. She couldn’t will herself to live—not for me, not for her parents and brothers and sister, not for her friends, not for her patients and career—not until Papa acted like he cared. There’s nothing as important as love. That kind of love.”

“Have you ever asked your mother about this?”

“Yes. No. Not that specifically, but when Papa first came back to us, we had a huge fight about it right in the middle of a restaurant. The last straw was that my Aunt Kim—our Aunt Kim—called me that day and asked what she’d done to make Mom mad at her, because Mom never returned her calls anymore. I told Mom that—I told her that it was stupid for everything to be about a man who didn’t want her.”

“A reasonable thought, although you may not have delivered it in the most tactful way.”

“It wasn’t reasonable, though. She made everything all about him for months, years, and finally he came back all the way. He loves her again. And I realized that I wasn’t trying hard enough to make a man love me. I mean, Jeremy, I let him call me names and hold my head underwater until I thought I’d drown—”

“Jeremy did WHAT?” Sami demanded.

“Let your cousin speak,” Dr. Cook told her.

“And Philip, I ended up in a drawer in a morgue because his business rivals had me kidnapped. I was in his bed when he was shot. I—no matter what I did, I couldn’t turn him into someone it was safe to be around. So Nathan, he didn’t need to be changed, he was nice, he was safe, all I had to do was make him love me instead of Melanie. But I couldn’t do that, either. And now I’m the only Brady who doesn’t have this grand, perfect love like Mom and Papa, and Aunt Kim and Uncle Shane, and Aunt Hope and Uncle Bo, and Carrie and Austin, and Shawn-D and Belle, and I’m the only one who—”

“Hello?” asked Sami, who after all was about the marry a man her family hated and she didn’t especially love.

“You had it, though,” said Stephanie dismissively. “You had it with Lucas, and you let him go. You decided you didn’t want him. You divorced him when he begged you not to. That’s different.”

To be continued. This was supposed to be a ficlet, but it dragged itself out a little. So I'll post a piece of it every day until it runs out.
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txshecat0423
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Great beginning! Can't wait to see where it goes.
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CanuckDaysfan
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Awesome start!
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Ever feel tempted to write a fic starring characters you can't stand?

Well yes, but somehow I don't think Elvis & Rafe would like what I would make them do to each other (or maybe they would?) (6)
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I hope that you see right through my walls
I hope that you catch me, 'cause I'm already falling
I'll never let a love get so close
You put your arms around me and I'm home


"Anyone can be passionate, but it takes real lovers to be silly." ~ Rose Franken


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Medea
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I dunno, going by what I've read in some other fics around here, Elvis at least would be fine with it!
Do you remember what she told him? She took her lover’s hand, and she said, “just because something is intangible doesn't mean that it's not real.” Lucas, no matter what happens, no matter what we’ve been through, no matter what I say, you will always be in my heart. -- Sami Brady, November 2007
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SammyDukes
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Loooving it
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ddmtex
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Medea
Monday Sep 6 2010, 12:13 PM
"...now I'm the only Brady who doesn't have this grand, perfect love like Mom and Papa, and Aunt Kim and Uncle Shane, and Aunt Hope and Uncle Bo, and Carrie and Austin, and Shawn-D and Belle, and I'm the only one who--"

"Hello?" asked Sami, who after all was about the marry a man her family hated and she didn't especially love.

"You had it, though," said Stephanie dismissively. "You had it with Lucas, and you let him go. You decided you didn't want him. You divorced him when he begged you not to. That's different."


Wow a fic I love, that features Stephanie, who I hate. Who'd have guessed???

And for one moment I've gotta say, "You go Stephanie." Love the truth telling at the end. Preach it sister, er, cousin! :ohyeah:
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luvinglumi
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Yippeee! Hilary is writing again...now how I can get you to keep going...bribing....how about chocolates? You like chocolate? Lol...I can't stand Stephanie and frankly I can do without Nathan too...but man this was a good start...and about someone I can't stand...maybe I should take a crack at EJ, Rafe and we can add Chad for good measure? Lol....

Awesome, please update soon!
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Your soulmate understands and connects with you in every way and on every level, which brings a sense of peace, calmness and happiness when you are around them. And when you are not around them, you are all that much more aware of the harshness of life, and how bonding with another person in this way is the most significant and satisfying thing you will experience in your lifetime.



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Medea
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Who doesn't like chocolate?

(Actually, I do know a few such people. I'm not one of them.)

It's amazing what a complete flop Stephanie is as a character. She's been around for years, is the child of a beloved supercouple, is played by a perfectly competent actress... and she has absolutely no fans, other than a few men who like her because she looks great in a bikini.
Do you remember what she told him? She took her lover’s hand, and she said, “just because something is intangible doesn't mean that it's not real.” Lucas, no matter what happens, no matter what we’ve been through, no matter what I say, you will always be in my heart. -- Sami Brady, November 2007
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luvinglumi
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lol...I know two friends of mine that can't stand chocolate...who knew?

OH and I agree on the Stephanie bit...too bad because Shelley is very pretty and as you said competent...I always thought that our Bry had his little crush on Shelley.
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Your soulmate understands and connects with you in every way and on every level, which brings a sense of peace, calmness and happiness when you are around them. And when you are not around them, you are all that much more aware of the harshness of life, and how bonding with another person in this way is the most significant and satisfying thing you will experience in your lifetime.



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RebelQueen
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Holy Molley this is awesome!!!!

I can't wait for more soon. Again, I still think the PTB should start hiring writers from this board and their show will be saved.

Please Post More Soon.
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generalscami
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Great Start!!

I'm loving it!!
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LumiForever
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I like this good start.


My Fic Archive
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CanuckDaysfan
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Medea
Monday Sep 6 2010, 07:04 PM
It's amazing what a complete flop Stephanie is as a character. She's been around for years, is the child of a beloved supercouple, is played by a perfectly competent actress... and she has absolutely no fans, other than a few men who like her because she looks great in a bikini.
It is pretty pathetic. I remember one of my old fics, Victor's Will, I brought back Andrew, Jeannie & Stephanie. Stephanie bored me to tears in there too, lol. I'd happily trade her in for Jeremy Horton at the moment (and Nathan too).
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I hope that you see right through my walls
I hope that you catch me, 'cause I'm already falling
I'll never let a love get so close
You put your arms around me and I'm home


"Anyone can be passionate, but it takes real lovers to be silly." ~ Rose Franken


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KimberlyAnn
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loving it!! It's cracking me up. I also love all the history you packed in the first part... I think you could teach the writers a little something... :)
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MonaLisa
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...

Yes. This is what Sami needs. (And it might even make Stephanie interesting, too.)

The part where the counselor turned the page, and "EJ raped Sami" was gone as if it had never happened? Yeeaaah. Spot-on analogy. Doesn't really work, though, does it, Sami?
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Medea
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OK, since it's been less than 24 hours, I'll keep it to one thread rather than spamming the board. :)

***

That night, Johnny fell asleep after Sami sang Frere Jacques to him the fourth time.

Allie fell asleep after Sami rescued her laughing penguin from beneath her bed.

Sydney fell asleep after Sami changed her diaper.

But Sami couldn’t fall asleep.

Every time she closed her eyes, she saw the bold, strong words on lined notebook paper.

EJ raped Sami.

As if in a trance, she wandered into Will’s empty room; Will had texted to say that he was spending the night with Tad. More often than not, Will spent nights with his friends, or at the Pub, or with Kate. He didn’t approve of Sami’s plan to marry EJ. The force of his disapproval swirled around the empty bedroom.

The school supplies she and Will had bought for his senior year of high school (yes, she was so old now that her baby was a senior in high school) were neatly stacked on his bookcase.

She borrowed a notebook with a hard green cover and a dark blue pen.

She retraced the words herself.

EJ raped Sami.

She sat at Will’s desk and drew a chart.

Physical Sensations
Cold (blizzard)
Heat (flushing/anger)
Pain (hands hurt, trying to get the beam off of Lucas)
Pain (EJ in me)

Memories
Alan Harris’ apartment
Carrie on the witness stand
Alan/gun
Lexie’s car
EJ/gun/John
Lucas under the beam
Lucas in the hospital
John in a coma
Celeste and EJ in the cabin
Trying to tell Lucas (wedding day)
Telling Lucas (“not the baby”)
Safe house with Lucas
Paternity test
Ultrasound; seeing two babies
Giving birth to the twins
“They don’t look alike”
Divorcing Lucas
Paternity test result
Santo and Colleen’s letters
“I’m afraid Allie’s gonna grow up a poor relation”
Black wedding dress/bullet
Will leaving
Lucas wanting me to say I drove him to shooting EJ
Lucas dumping me by email
EJ apologizing
Fake Green card problem.

Emotions
Fear—he’s going to hurt me.
Fear—he must have shot (killed?) John.
Fear—he could shoot me too.
Fear—Lucas is dying.
Fear—Will will be an orphan.
Fear—I could get pregnant.
Fear—I could be chained to EJ for life.
Fear—Lucas might not accept the baby.
Fear—this could ruin my family with Lucas and Will.
Fear—STDs.
Fear—DiMeras will want to hurt the babies.
Fear—DiMeras will raise the babies to kill and hate.
Fear—people will think I’m a slut.
Fear—Lucas might not believe me. (Kate/Brandon/drugging thing.)
Fear—I’ll end up alone.
Betrayal—EJ pretended to be my friend.
Anger—EJ pretended to be my friend.
Anger—I was too stupid to see EJ wasn’t my friend.
Anger—God is letting me be raped twice.
Anger—I never did anything to Stefano.
Anger—my family worried about paternity, not me being raped.
Anger—Lucas and I finally had everything going right and Stefano and EJ ruined it.
Anger—being pregnant this ONE time that paternity was in question.
Anger—tied to EJ for life when I never chose it.
Anger—getting pregnant by EJ AGAIN.
Anger—Lucas wouldn’t let me handle it, shot EJ.
Anger—never got time alone with Lucas and the twins.
Anger—missed most of the twins’ babyhood.
Resentment—this would never happen to Carrie or Belle.
Resentment—this is because of Mom and Dad (and Colleen), not me.
Resentment—my family worried about paternity, not me being raped.
Guilt—maybe if I had been better, this wouldn’t have happened.
Guilt—wishing I hadn’t gotten pregnant that night.
Guilt—wishing I hadn’t gotten pregnant when EJ said he was sorry.
Guilt—the drama with Johnny and Sydney always pushes Allie to the back.
Guilt—wishing Lucas was Johnny’s father.
Guilt—wishing Lucas was Sydney’s father.
Guilt—wishing Rafe was Sydney’s father.
Guilt—wishing Grace was Sydney.
Guilt—ever thinking about anything besides Grace.
Grief—losing Grace.
Shame—losing Grace.
Love—for Johnny.
Admiration—EJ is a good father.

Thoughts
It was rape.
I’ve done bad things too.
Everyone deserves a second chance.
Stefano twisted him into doing it.
I believe he is sorry.
I can never have Lucas again.
I can never have Rafe again.
Grace is dead.
He’s a good father to Sydney and Johnny.
I don’t want to marry him.
He’ll never let me be with anyone else.
I’m old enough for it to be time to settle.
Play the hand I’ve been dealt.


She reread her thoughts and was stunned to see what she had written. It was hard to believe that she had been the one to write it.

“This stupid shrink game is a trick,” she complained aloud. “Lucas let me sit on death row for something he did, and no one in my family said a word against me marrying him.”

To prove her point, she turned the page.

Lucas let Sami be executed for Franco’s death.

Physical Sensations
Prison jumpsuit against my skin.
Numb feeling of the anesthetic on my arm.
Numb feeling of the drugs in my body.
Table flat against my back.
Mom’s arms around me.
Will’s baby-arms around me.
Mike pounding on my chest (not sure if this is a real memory?)
Groggy/headache in the hospital.

Memories
Rock-a-bye Sami.
Rock-a-bye Allie.
Rock-a-bye Grace.
Rock-a-bye Sydney.
Eric’s and my birthday (thought of it as they were injecting me).
Austin visiting Carrie and bringing me a rose (that too).
On the run with Austin and Tracey.
Dad bringing me back to be executed.
Church, knowing I didn’t kill Franco.
Belle wanting to know why I didn’t visit.
Finding out Franco cheated on me.
Lucas gloating about getting custody of Will
Carrie saying I could have killed Franco.
Grandpa (miss him) saying this was not justice.
Carson Palmer being smug.
Last rites.
“We’re going to have a man to mom talk.”
“I did it, I shot Franco.”
Brandon. “The butler did it.”
Creepy Will Doll. Wonder he isn’t traumatized.
Angela dead in Brandon’s arms.
Tape covered with blood—literally. (figuratively too)
Will praying because his daddy was in a coma.
Kate insisting Will was going to wake Lucas up.
Las Vegas wedding. Austin. Lucas and the damn tape.
Will’s wind chimes.
“Don’t you ever see Will in me?”
Salty French toast.
Horton the tiger.
Clown car.
Comfort sleep.

Emotions
Anger—Lucas trying to one-up me.
Anger—Lucas raising Will.
Anger—Lucas winning.
Anger—Nicole marrying Lucas instead of Eric.
Anger—Carrie not wanting Will.
Anger—Dad bringing me back.
Anger—Kate always getting away with everything.
Anger—Dad and John both getting with Kate after what she did.
Anger—Italy stunt could have got Will killed.
Anger—Italy stunt could have given Will permanent emotional problems.
Resentment—Dad bringing me back.
Gratitude—Mike doing CPR.
Gratitude—Austin loving Will.
Gratitude—Austin taking me on the run.
Gratitude—Mom asking Stefano for help.
Gratitude—Grandpa’s outspokenness.
Gratitude—Belle’s innocence.
Gratitude—Eric’s twinness.
Gratitude—for every minute God gave me Will.
Pride—Will. Just Will.
Sadness—that I won’t see Will grow up.
Sadness—I won’t see my family again.
Sadness—my family is sad.
Love—for Will.
Love—for Mom.
Love—for Dad.
Love—for Belle.
Love—for Eric.
Love—for Brady.
Love—for John (complicated).
Love—for Carrie (even more complicated).
Love—for Austin.
Love—for Grandma.
Love—for Grandpa.
Love—for the rest of my family.
Hope—for my family.
Worry—for Will.
Worry—for Eric (everyone else had someone I knew would take care of them).
Resignation
Regret—not doing more.
Regret—not being better.
Grief—I did love Franco even though he didn’t love me.
Relief—when it was over.
Grace—God’s grace protected me.
Guilt—ever thinking about anything besides Grace.
Forgiveness—I know Lucas is sorry.
Compassion—I know Lucas feels guilty.
Understanding—I know why Lucas did it.
Understanding—that Lucas didn’t mean it to go so far.
Security—I know Lucas would never do something like that again.
Faith—in Lucas (later).
Love—for Lucas (later).

Thoughts
It was a lifetime ago now.
Lucas paid. He spent a year in a coma.
Lucas was never the mastermind. Kate was. I didn’t fall in love with her.
I struck Lucas. First. Hard. Repeatedly. It was war and he acted like it.
I know beyond everything that he didn’t want me to die.
He did want me to hurt.
But he doesn’t now. Neither does EJ.
But I didn’t think EJ wanted to hurt me before, and he did.
I don’t want my children raised with Stefano and Kate.
I don’t love EJ.
I want to make myself love EJ.
But if I could control it, I wouldn’t have loved Rafe or especially Lucas.


Sami glanced up to see Will’s alarm clock, glowing green in the darkness. It was 4:52 in the morning. Soon, Sydney would be demanding her breakfast. The twins wouldn’t be far behind. There was no point in going to bed.

So she ripped the pages out of the notebook and shredded them.

Then she started her day.

***

Stephanie arrived unannounced that afternoon.

“How,” she asked after pleasantries had been exchanged, “did you even know what was happening at Maggie’s house?”

Sami smiled without humor. “I got five different texts, four of them from people I hadn’t spoken to in years, asking if changing test results in the hospital ran in the family.”

“Why did you come and get me?”

Sami’s eyes burned with tiredness. She didn’t want to have this conversation now. But Stephanie looked young and raw and pleading and desperate, and once Sami had been young and raw and pleading and desperate.

“You’re my cousin,” Sami answered, hoping Stephanie would take the answer and leave.

“So?”

“So family takes care of family.”

Her stomach turned.

When she’d been on death row, she’d been overwhelmed by the force of her family’s love. Yes, they’d taken care of her. Even her father, in ruining her jailbreak, had believed that he was taking care of her. Roman had believed that he was teaching her to trust in the law and sparing her a life on the run.

She thought of the words she’d written in the notebook about death row.

Gratitude. Pride. Forgiveness. Hope. Compassion. Understanding. Love.


And she’d tried to pay them back when she’d submitted to EJ over and over. The rape. The marriage. The nights spent by EJ’s bed, her breasts bursting with unused milk, while Lucas fed the children she barely knew from bottle. The nights in the safehouse, hiding herself from a DiMera henchman and Sydney from DiMera influences.

There was no way out now, not with Johnny and Sydney.

And her family was gone. Eric was gone. Carrie and Austin were gone. Belle and Shawn were gone. Her mother and John were gone. Grandpa was gone.

Lucas was gone.

Rafe was gone.

“Sami?” Stephanie interrupted. “Not that I’m in a position to talk, but you look awful.”

“Thank you,” said Sami automatically.

“”That’s not what I meant. You know you’re beautiful. You look sick.”

“I didn’t sleep well.”

“Want me to watch the kids for a while? You could rest.”

“That’s OK,” said Sami wearily. What she wanted was for Stephanie to leave.

“Then I’ll get out of your way. I just wanted to say thank you. And goodbye.”

“Goodbye?” asked Sami, taken aback. She wanted Stephanie to leave her townhouse, not her life.

“I’m going to be with Mom and Papa and Joe in Africa. Just for a while. I need a fresh start.”

“I wish I could have one of those,” said Sami fervently.

“Come with us. It’s a safe place for kids, it really is. Joe loves it. He’s happy and he’s healthy and—”

“Will is starting his senior year,” said Sami, because saying “EJ wouldn’t let me” hurt too much.

“OK,” said Stephanie with real regret. She pulled Sami into a hug. “But if you won’t come, maybe you can use this.” She pressed a business card into Sami’s hand.

“What is it?”

“My follow-up appointment with Dr. Cook. I can’t keep it. Maybe you can.”

And Stephanie was gone. Gone like Belle and Shawn and Eric and Carrie and Austin and Marlena and John and Lucas and Rafe and Grandpa and Grace.

TBC.
Do you remember what she told him? She took her lover’s hand, and she said, “just because something is intangible doesn't mean that it's not real.” Lucas, no matter what happens, no matter what we’ve been through, no matter what I say, you will always be in my heart. -- Sami Brady, November 2007
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CanuckDaysfan
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I love it! That's quite the list that Sami has. I think she made some good progress.
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I hope that you see right through my walls
I hope that you catch me, 'cause I'm already falling
I'll never let a love get so close
You put your arms around me and I'm home


"Anyone can be passionate, but it takes real lovers to be silly." ~ Rose Franken


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RebelQueen
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I am in love with this story. It has so much depth and aspect that we Sami fans would have loved to see happen, especially the Lumi fans. This woman needs REAL closure. Keep up the good work. PPMS
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Amanda
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I esp love her dealing with the Lucas issues! Too many times the issues with him get glossed over because we love him so much:)
But I miss screaming and fighting and kissing in the rain.
And it's 2am and I'm cursing your name.
You're so in love that you act insane.
And that's the way I loved you.
Breakin' down and coming undone.
It's a roller coaster kinda rush.
And I never knew I could feel that much.
And that's the way I loved you.
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SammyDukes
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I hope when Stephanie does get caught on the show that they let Sami go in there and be her protector because I would love to see Sami as a momma bear for one of her family members and I love Sami and Stephanie scenes and there just to far and between
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Medea
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Yeah, weirdly the one time I've liked Stephanie-- and one of the few times I liked Sami during her yay-rape phase-- was when they interacted.

And I figured I moaned enough times about how they should just go to therapy together that I might as well write it.

But then Stephanie left and the fic took a long, bizarre twist out of my control... see the next part. :)
Do you remember what she told him? She took her lover’s hand, and she said, “just because something is intangible doesn't mean that it's not real.” Lucas, no matter what happens, no matter what we’ve been through, no matter what I say, you will always be in my heart. -- Sami Brady, November 2007
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Medea
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Five days passed.


***

Sami had had no intention of keeping Stephanie’s appointment, but she kept forgetting to cancel it.

So she decided to go see Dr. Cook. It would only be polite. Not that trying to be good had ever gotten her a damn thing.

“I’m glad you decided to come back,” said Dr. Cook. “I know your cousin would be, too, if you told her.”

Sami shrugged. What Stephanie thought wasn’t high on her list of priorities.

“You had it with Lucas, and you let him go. You decided you didn’t want him. You divorced him when he begged you not to. That’s different,” Stephanie had said.

Stephanie was young and immature and didn’t understand that things were complicated.

“If it’s OK with you, I’d like to finish asking you those standard questions we started with last time.”

Sami agreed.

“Have you ever had an eating disorder?”

“I was bulimic when I was a teenager. I haven’t had any problems for years. Not since then.”

“Is there any history of mental instability in your family?”

The question was so ludicrous that Sami laughed. “My aunt was institutionalized.”

“Is this your mother’s sister or your father’s sister?”

Sami laughed again. “Both. Wait, I’m not sure Aunt Kim was ever actually hospitalized. But she had multiple personalities. My Aunt Sam… well, that was before I was born and I don’t know the details.”

“Anything else?”

“My Mom… well, there was the really weird thing where she blocked out the whole time she was married to her first husband. Oh, and she was… sick… for a while when I was pregnant with Will. And all the brainwashed to believe she was a serial killer stuff. But other than that, she’s, like, the most stable person on the planet even with everything that’s happened to her.”

“What happened to her?”

“You must have read about it in the papers. Especially being a psychiatrist yourself.”

“I’m interested in knowing what stands out to you, Sami, what affected you, what you perceived.”

Sami was stunned. That was different.

“Well,” she began, “Mom is beautiful. Really beautiful, beautiful. Perfect, beautiful.”

“And you look like her.”

Sami shook her head adamantly. “No. No, I don’t. Not at all. I used to think—did you want me to answer your question, or not?

“I’m sorry. You see, this is why we’re talking about this in the first place. I took it for granted that you’d think you looked like Dr. Evans because the two of you look alike to me. I shouldn’t have assumed. Please tell me what happened to your mother.”

“She was beautiful, and Stefano DiMera fell in love with her. He wanted her, anyway, because he hated my father and his family and he wanted to make them suffer. He wanted her, and he couldn’t have her. So he kidnapped her. More than once. He held her hostage. He threatened her children. He kidnapped my father and made her think another man… well, anyway, he was obsessed with her and he had all the money and power in the world. So he kept trying to get her and he didn’t care how much he hurt her in the process.”

“How did that make you feel, growing up in that kind of environment?”

“Frightened. Bad. Somewhere in there I decided that if I was good enough, she’d come back, and that she went away because I was bad. I worried that someone would take away my father—stepfather—too, and eventually it happened. I hate it when people leave me.”

Grace.


Dr. Cook nodded. “Do we need to talk more about this now, or should I go on to the next question?”

Sami waved her hand. “Go on. This is old news.”

“Have you ever had any kind of counseling before this?”

“During the bulimia thing. Yes.”

“Was it helpful?”

“No.”

“Do you have any thoughts about why?”

“For one thing, I couldn’t talk about what was really bothering me. I knew that my family would be destroyed if anyone found out.”

“You didn’t trust your counselor?”

“I don’t know. You never know who the DiMeras might be paying off. They did break into the office looking for my records, so it was good that I didn’t say anything.” She made a face at her youthful oversight. “But I was stupid enough to keep a diary, so they stole that and used it instead.”

“Do you feel more comfortable talking now?”

“I don’t have any secrets now.” The words felt strange in her mouth.

“One more question. Do you ever want to hurt yourself? Have you ever considered suicide?”

Sami was taken aback. “No. I have four children who need me here.” Though if I died I’d be with Grace.

“And hurting yourself?”

“Like, cutting? No.”

“You mentioned last time that you didn’t deserve to be raped when you were in high school, and you seemed to feel differently about the more recent incident. You said you felt like it was karmic justice.”

“I do feel like that. Like my family forgave me for hurting them, so when EJ hurts me and I forgive him, I’m paying it forward. Like I’m more of a Brady. Like I’m more like Mom.”

“You admire your mother?”

“Everyone does.”

“We’re not talking about everyone.”

“Yes, I admire my mother.”

“Would you say you idolize her?”

“No. If anything, I’m the one person in the world who thinks she’s not perfect.”

“Is that why you were so adamant that you don’t look like her? You wouldn’t want to look like someone who isn’t perfect?”

“I used to be proud to look like her when I thought I looked like her.”

“What changed your mind? Why don’t you think you look like her now?”

Sami felt her whole body tense. “A few years ago, I found out that I had a great aunt I’d never heard of. She was my Grandpa’s older sister and he never told anyone about her. She—in pictures, she looks just like me. Or I look just like her. Exactly. And the weird thing is, EJ looks just like his Grandfather, Santo. And Santo and Colleen were in love, but they never got to be together, so Stefano said he would stop killing everyone who was related to me if I married EJ and made up for Colleen not marrying Santo.”

“That’s why you’re marrying EJ?” asked Dr. Cook with real alarm.

Sami felt a small amount of satisfaction. She’d finally been able to shock this meticulously professional woman. She basked in her dubious triumph for a moment before answering.

“That’s why I married EJ last time. I didn’t want to. But they were going to kill everyone I loved—even Will, probably even the twins—if I didn’t divorce Lucas.”

“But now you want to marry EJ?”

Sami shrugged. “Yes.”

“Why not Lucas?”

Sami’s throat swelled shut unexpectedly. “He doesn’t want me.”

“But if Lucas wanted you, you would marry him instead of EJ?”

“Lucas doesn’t want me,” Sami repeated. “Lucas left. He went all the way to Hong Kong. Rafe left, too. Everyone leaves. EJ is never going to let me be with anyone but him, so I have to make the best of it.” It was easier to say it than it had been to write it down the week before.

“Make a follow up appointment, Sami. We’re going to talk about this more.”

Sami was stunned when she looked at her watch and saw than an hour had passed.

She was embarrassed, too. She had talked about herself for an hour without noticing the time passing.

She ran out of the office and down the stairs without making the appointment.


***

That night, Sami stood in Allie’s bedroom long after the little girl had fallen asleep.

Allie looked like her.

Like Colleen.

Life had been so much easier when she’d looked like Marlena instead of like Colleen.

It was strange how life could steal the most solid things from her.

She’d thought John was her father.

She’d thought she looked like her mother.

She’d thought she would raise the twins with Lucas.

She left Allie’s room and gently closed the door behind her.

In the living room, she pulled her laptop onto her knees and looked through the few surviving pictures of Colleen. She stared into Colleen’s eyes and wondered that they weren’t her own.

“Why did you do it?” she asked Colleen. “You left Santo, and that meant everyone would leave me.”

It took the chiming of her email’s instant messenger to jerk her out of her musing.

“Carrie,” she sighed.

Carrie would never have looked like Colleen. A model, yes. Gorgeous during those teen years that were awkward for everyone else, yes. Colleen? Never. Carrie got her happily ever after, and when she had children, surely they would be fathered by the love of her life.

CarrieReed: The picture you sent of Allie and Sydney is adorable.

Sami sighed again.

SamiBrady: They’re so cute together. Allie calls Sydney “her baby.”

CarrieReed: It’s none of my business, but

Sami rolled her eyes.

CarrieReed: Kayla and Stephanie stopped by on their way to Africa. Their flight connected through here.

CarrieReed: You’re going to marry EJ?

SamiBrady: Yes.

CarrieReed: ?!?!?!

SamiBrady: Do you think I look like Mom?

CarrieReed is typing.

SamiBrady: Please, just answer.

CarrieReed: I’ve always thought you looked like Marlena.

SamiBrady: Not Colleen?

CarrieReed: Well, her too.

CarrieReed: That was strange.

SamiBrady: Did you ever wonder if it was a hoax?

CarrieReed: How could it be? Grandpa would have said. You found the letters.

SamiBrady: EJ was right there when we found Santo’s letters. Could he have planted them?

CarrieReed: But my mom had Colleen’s letters.

SamiBrady: Your mom also kidnapped my daughter.

CarrieReed: Let me look into this.

SamiBrady: Isn’t your mom missing? How can you look into anything?

CarrieReed: Let me look into this.

“What the hell?” Sami asked the empty room. It made sense that if Anna had contacted anyone, it would be Carrie. But it wasn’t like Carrie to keep that kind of secret. And if she was going to keep a secret, it wasn’t like her to double-cross her own mother, especially not for Sami—even if Carrie had, irrationally, blamed herself for Anna kidnapping Sydney.

Or maybe it was like Carrie. Sami still felt raw from her counseling session. Perhaps her judgment was impaired.

SamiBrady: Be careful.

SamiBrady: If you find anything out, don’t tell anyone before you tell me.

SamiBrady: And make sure your mom doesn’t.

SamiBrady: And remember, the DiMeras might be watching.

SamiBrady: I know it’s probably not true, but

CarrieReed: I’ll handle it, on one condition.

SamiBrady: What?

CarrieReed: You don’t marry EJ without giving me 24 hours warning.

Sami groaned. The nice thing about everyone leaving her was supposed to be that they couldn’t interfere with her life.

CarrieReed: Well?

SamiBrady: Fine. Deal.

CarrieReed: Love you, Sami.

SamiBrady: Love you, too.


***

Two days later, Sami received a voicemail from Carrie.

“Open the box in private. Wouldn’t want the kids to fight over the dolls and grab the wrong ones before they start dragging them around the park. Watch out for bugs!”

***

While Sami paced around the townhouse waiting for the box to arrive, she called Dr. Cook’s office and made the follow-up appointment.

Because it wasn’t like she was afraid or anything.

And because she suddenly felt like she might have a say in her own life again. Bouncing thoughts off of Dr. Cook felt like bouncing ideas off of Lucas, way back when she had run not just her own life, but Carrie’s and Austin’s, too.

***

Sami brought the unopened box with her to a private study room in the library.

Watch out for bugs!

Carrie hadn’t been warning her about spiders or ants.

EJ wouldn’t have thought to put surveillance equipment in the library; she now had little doubt, though, that he monitored her when she was in the townhouse. Of course he did. It was his nature. She could only hope that he hadn’t monitored her late night IMs to Carrie, and be more careful going forward.

Paranoia felt familiar and exhilarating.

She gasped when she opened the box. The dolls were beautiful. Johnny’s was an elaborately dressed toy soldier with wild brown curls like his. Allie’s doll had long golden hair like hers, while Sydney’s doll had hair just a few shades darker. Will hadn’t been forgotten; there was a box of candy for him.

And there was a fourth doll, not quite as detailed as the others, but vaguely reminiscent of something Sami couldn’t place until she saw the label pinned to her plaid dress:

Mollyanna II.

Sami glanced around the empty room, more afraid than ever that she was being watched.

Then she grasped Mollyanna II by her pretty face and twisted.

Mollyanna II’s head dropped into Sami’s hand.

Inside her hollow body was an envelope.

Dear Sami,

My mom has absolutely no credibility at this point, but I will tell you what she told me.

She says she planted the letters because Andre paid her. She was afraid of what would happen if she didn’t—afraid that Stefano would hurt her like he’d hurt Tony. Andre was pretending to be Tony and she already suspected that he was lying and that Tony was either dead or in prison.

She also says that EJ paid her to kidnap Sydney.

Sydney had a nosebleed, and that’s how EJ got the blood to put on the clothes he threw in the river.

EJ was going to take Johnny and Sydney away forever to get back at you for not telling him about Grace.

My mother has signed an affidavit. Copy enclosed. BE CAREFUL WITH IT!

I’m not going to tell you where my mother is. I know you hate her and I don’t blame you, but if the DiMeras find her they will kill her and I can’t risk that. I hope you understand.

I am also sending pictures of the real Colleen. She DOES favor you—in the way Irish women tend to favor the women in our family. She doesn’t look like your clone, though. I can see how Grandpa, with his memories of being ten years old, might have been confused by the fake pictures.

The real Santo? Except for the porn stache, he didn’t look much like those doctored pictures of EJ. I think they were cousins, by the way, not grandfather/grandson. I won’t tell anyone for now, but soon we need to let John and Belle and Brady know they aren’t as related to Stefano as they think.

It always was a little too convenient that you and EJ would look EXACTLY like Colleen and Santo, right?

Take care of yourself and my nieces and nephews. Hope they enjoy the presents.

All my love,

Carrie


Sami sat in the library and shook with rage until it was time to meet Dr. Cook. Then she packed the documents into the doll and the dolls into the package and carried it along with her.

TBC
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RebelQueen
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OH MY GODS!!! This is such a good story. I am loving all the intricacies of a realistic Psychiatric appointment and how real and believable Sami's reactions are! Keep up the good work.

If only this was really happening on the show :sigh: .
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CanuckDaysfan
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Hilary you are brilliant! Corday needs to hire you to write this. You even managed to make me like Carrie, and it's wonderful to have a new Mollyanna!
Posted Image
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I hope that you see right through my walls
I hope that you catch me, 'cause I'm already falling
I'll never let a love get so close
You put your arms around me and I'm home


"Anyone can be passionate, but it takes real lovers to be silly." ~ Rose Franken


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luvinglumi
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OMG!!!! Wow....if they only would do this....everything would FINALLY make sense....keep up the good work
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Your soulmate understands and connects with you in every way and on every level, which brings a sense of peace, calmness and happiness when you are around them. And when you are not around them, you are all that much more aware of the harshness of life, and how bonding with another person in this way is the most significant and satisfying thing you will experience in your lifetime.



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